


Keep It Short And Sweet

by AceyEnn



Series: Served Promptly [1]
Category: A Softer World, Baman Piderman, Homestuck, Let's Play - Fandom, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Art, Awkward First Times, Crack, Dubious Consent, Kink Meme, Multi, Murder, Prompt Fic, Promptbound, Smoking, Suicide, badfic, what are genres? we just don't know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2017-11-29 10:52:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 61
Words: 18,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/686120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceyEnn/pseuds/AceyEnn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of unrelated mostly-Homestuck one-shots, inspired by everything.</p><p>Mostly SFW, but not entirely. Will add individual chapter ratings eventually.</p><p>Now closed. New stuff will be added as individual fics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Paper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PROMPT: Sollux/Aradia. “A paper town for a paper girl.” (Paper Towns by John Green)

“I needed to get away from Maple Valley for a while. I hope you understand.”  
  
Sollux glared. “AA, we thought you were fucking dead. You can’t just run off like that. Everyone was terrified. No, I do not fucking understand. You’ve been acting so weird lately, what the hell?”  
  
Aradia smiled. It wasn’t her usual smile--it was a very slight quirk of the lips, barely a smile at all. “Ever feel like you’re just a paper doll? Like the universe is playing you for laughs?”  
  
“Not really.”  
  
“That’s how I felt, Sollux. Like paper. Like I was just being blown around by the universe and played with, only to be thrown away later. I probably sound stupid saying that.”  
  
“Why did you come here, though? It’s not even settled, I mean, there was supposed to be a subdivision here but it never got built. It’s just dry grass as far as the eye can see.”  
  
“Do you know what things like that are called, towns that are planned and announced but never built?”  
  
Sollux sighed, rolling his eyes. “Lemme guess. Paper towns.”  
  
Aradia just laughed. “We...we all just exist on paper. We’re cosmic playthings.”  
  
“I guess we are, aren’t we? Wasn’t there something that happened before we were born? Past lives or some bullshit like that? You were always going on about it. Some place called Alternia and some race called trolls.”  
  
“I remember everything. Heroes of Time tend to. Sit down, Sollux, I’ll tell you all about it.”  
  
Sollux sat, and he listened.


	2. Sleeping Beauty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> calliope is in a coma and it makes roxy sad
> 
> prompt: Calliope as Sleeping Beauty, Roxy<3Calliope

“Heyyy, Callie.”  
  
Roxy sat down next to her unconscious girlfriend. Wow, she thought, Caliborn really did a number on her. And he had--he was the reason Calliope was laying in the hospital, comatose and on the brink of death.  
  
She had read, once, that coma patients could sometimes remember things they heard while they were out, assuming they woke up of course. Which Calliope totally would. Right? She had to stay positive, for her sake.  
  
“Janey wants you to know that the bakery’s doing good. She somehow roped John into helping out while you’re in here, but she said to tell you that your position’ll open up again as soon as you’re better.”   
  
No response.  
  
“Oh, and Rose and Kanaya are having a baby! Isn’t that cool? ‘Sgonna be sooooo cute. I hope you can come to the baby shower.”  
  
No response.  
  
Roxy sighed. “I miss you, Calliope. Wake up soon, okay?”  
  
She had to leave. She needed a drink.


	3. Coffee Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "pale RoseKarkat, questionable meteor coffee".

“Lalonde, this shit is downright disgusting.”  
  
Rose looked up from her book. “Ahh, I see you decided to try the coffee. Is that not a thing in troll culture?”  
  
“No, it’s a thing. But this tastes like death and iron. How did you even manage to gulp this shit down, anyway?”  
  
“I didn’t. Once I saw that strange film on the surface, I opted not to.”  
  
“Film?” Karkat took a closer look at his coffee. “Holy fuck, there’s blood in this! What the hell?”  
  
“...That raises more questions than it answers.”  
  
“Hell yeah it does! Who the FUCK leaves rotting corpses in the coffee maker?” Karkat paused, realizing what was going on. “Oh, goddammit, Gamzee. Fuck you. Fuck you for existing and being batshit insane, and fuck me for being a terrible moirail.”  
  
“I must say,” Rose piped up, “your entire moirallegiance seems quite one-sided. Is that the case?”  
  
“...Yeah. It kind of is.”  
  
“Perhaps you need a better moirail yourself,” Rose murmured.  
  
She walked over and papped Karkat on the shoulder.


	4. A Piece Of Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Aranea<3Meenah, cake".
> 
> There are a fair few fish puns crammed in here. I hope I didn't go... _overboard._
> 
> YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH

“You didn’t have to make this for me, Meenah.”  
  
“Whale,” Meenah huffed, “what if I felt like it? What if I WANTED to bake you a cake?”  
  
“Um.” Aranea paused. “I suppose that’s fine, then? I mean, I know why you baked it, but--”  
  
“What.”  
  
Aranea laughed. “You forgot I could read your mind, couldn’t you? That I could fish through your thoughts?”  
  
Meenah dropped the cake and hugged Aranea. “OH MY COD, you said fish. You are fuckin’ flawless.”  
  
“The cake’s kind of splattered all over the floor now,” Aranea grumbled.  
  
“Why the shell should I give a carp aboat the cake now?” Meenah grinned from ear to ear--or fin to fin, if you prefer. “It’s not like you didn’t know nofin’.”  
  
Aranea kissed Meenah on the forehead. “Fair enough.”


	5. Trick Or Treat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt was "trick or treat", from a loooooooooooooooong list of single-phrase prompts.
> 
> Oops, I wrote fluff.

"AA, aren't we kind of old to be trick-or-treating?"

 

"Of course not! We're only fifteen, we can't even drive yet. Still kids!"

 

"Teenagers."

 

"Still kids," she insists, grinning. She adjusts her fedora--she's decided to be Indiana Jones this year, despite the fact that, last time you checked, Indiana Jones didn't wear bright red lipstick (which Aradia is wearing right now, just like every other day). Or have boobs, for that matter.

 

"Sollux, stop staring at my chest and get into your costume already!"

 

"Do I really have to dress up?"

 

"You won't get candy if you don't."

 

"Fine, sheesh."

 

And so you and your Halloween-obsessed girlfriend leave the house, after she finally manages to coax you into a really terrible bee outfit.

 

(Seriously, you have glittery wings and everything.) 

 

\---

 

Two hours later, you sit across from Aradia at the local pizza parlor as she counts her loot.

 

"So I got two hundred and forty-one pieces in all. How 'bout you?"

 

You look up from your pizza. "I'm not counting. A fuckton."

 

Aradia pouts. "I am seriously beginning to doubt your commitment to Halloween, Sollux."

 

"Look, maybe I don't actually care about Halloween and just wanted an excuse to hang out with you, okay?"

 

"That's kinda sweet, I guess." She leans across the table, over the pizza and mountains of candy, and kisses you. "Thanks for coming with, in any case. Wanna do it again next year?"

 

"Only if I get a less shitty costume."

 

"No promises.”

 


	6. Shopping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SWEET SOLLUX AND HELLA ARADIA GOES SHOPING (or, in which sollux is a bit manic and there are lame puns)

"Dear GOD, AA, we need this."

 

Aradia looked up from the price tag she'd been looking at and saw Sollux waving a bee-shaped USB drive in her face. Or rather, as the packaging insisted, a USBee drive.

 

"...Aren't we here to try and find a new TV? Like, one with a working screen?" she asked. 

 

"Yeah okay fine, but check this shit out. When you spread its wings, the drive comes out. This might actually be the best thing ever."

 

Aradia rolled her eyes. "It's cute, yeah."

 

"It's fucking amazing is what it is."

 

"Look, maybe we can get one or two next payday, alright? The TV is going to be a really big expense."

 

"...Fine, we can wait."

 

(They bought one then anyway.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enough people have asked that I should probably mention here that the USBee drive is not a real thing that exists, at least not in the form I described it here.
> 
> (It totally _should_ , though.)


	7. Drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to use more single word/phrase prompts! 
> 
> Fun fact: I actually rather like Feferi, but she seemed the most logical choice for this one. And I'm not above doing awful things to characters I like either way, so...

Sometimes, Feferi still thought of herself as a troll. A seadweller. Someone who could survive underwater, no harm, no foul.

 

Right now, she was remembering, with absolute terror, that none of that applied anymore.

 

She got caught in the seaweed all the time back on Alternia. It had been a nuisance, yes, but...no more than that. Just an annoyance. Not so here on Earth, here where she was human and regrettably non-amphibious, here where her lungs were crying out for fresh air.

 

It _hurt._ Not just the oxygen deprivation, but the fear, the knowledge that if she couldn't untangle herself soon, she'd die. For real this time. Forever. What about her friends? Her family? Everyone she'd ever loved...she'd never see them again, not during their lives at least.

 

Shit. 

 

The bubbles began flowing freely from her nose and mouth. She'd spent too much time thinking, not enough time acting. She tried desperately, one last time, to free herself, but it was too late, far too late.

 

As Feferi's vision went blank and her lungs emptied, she thought of all the things she should've done, not just today, but in general.

 

All the things she'd never do.


	8. Skepticism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers: The ghost is not Aradia for once.

"Come on, Ro-Lal, there's no way this house is really haunted."

 

Roxy let out a sigh. "Of _course_ it's haunted, Janey! You've heard the stories. And none of them seem to, like, contradict each other. There's _hella_ evidence for it being haunted, and none for it being...un-haunted or whatevs. So we're totally going, because I wanna prove you wrong!"

 

"You're so gullible."

 

"More like...I'm so _totally right._ "

 

-

 

The house looked almost normal, really--dilapidated, yes, but pretty much average otherwise. Not your typical haunted house, not the kind you hear teenagers daring each other to visit. Just a slightly run-down suburban place.

 

Jane knocked on the door, before realizing just how pointless that gesture would be. She jiggled the doorknob. Locked.

 

"Let's go in through the window," Roxy suggested. "Shouldn't be too hard."

 

Jane rolled her eyes. "Can't we just go do something else? This is downright silly."

 

"You're just chicken!"

 

"No, I just think this is stupid!"

 

"Chicken," Roxy insisted, walking over to the open window. "C'mon, let's do this."

 

Jane opened her mouth to object, but by that point Roxy was already shimmying through the window, so she decided to just grit her teeth and go along with this foolish idea.

 

As Jane entered the house, she couldn't help but notice that the interior suggested that it had been abandoned hastily. This did pique her curiosity--she'd been expecting it to be empty. Dull, even. In actuality, it was kind of interesting. She'd have to at least hand that much to Roxy.

 

“Heyyy, Janey, come over here!”

 

Jane followed Roxy's voice to a nearby room--it appeared to be a teenager's bedroom, not all that different from her own, really. 

 

And it appeared to be occupied by a third person. A young woman, no older than Jane or Roxy. Her hair was short and white; her eyes, completely white. She wasn't translucent, but she seemed to glow green slightly. Definitely a ghost.

 

“Goodness!” Jane gasped. “You...you were right, Roxy!”

 

“'Course I was, Janey. This is my new ghost buddy, her name's Calliope. She's hella chill.”

 

Calliope chuckled. “Thank you, Roxy. You're too kind. I am assuming that 'chill' is a good thing in this context, correct?”

 

Roxy nodded. “Hell yeah! And Callie, this is Jane. She's my BFF. Best. Friend. Forever.” Then she gasped. “We could be, like...a triumvirate. BFFs, times _three._ ”

 

Jane smiled. This had gone surprisingly well. After all, ghosts need friends too.

 

And ghosts are so very real.


	9. Smoke

Your New York college has a smoking area, and you usually go there when it's late, because you need the privacy, the time to yourself, the fucking cigarette.

 

It's midnight, maybe later--you didn't bother checking the clock, but your roommate is asleep so you can sneak out easily enough. It's early December, not far from the end of the semester, and that generally means no one'll be out this late. They'll be cramming for finals. And it's cold as hell, so there's that.

 

That's why you're so surprised when you get there and see a girl leaning against one of the lampposts, smoking a cigarette.

 

She's actually shockingly gorgeous, with long black hair that curls down to her hips and a lovely face. She's bundled up for the cold, in a thick sweater and scarf, and though her skirt is relatively short, it's paired with tights and combat boots, so you figure she's not exactly freezing herself to death.

 

You walk up to her, and her green eyes meet your mismatched ones. “You're the first person I've ever seen here at this hour,” you tell her.

 

“Well,” she replies with a smile, “usually I'm here later. But I finished my work early. I didn't see any reason _not_ to come here before, like, 3 AM.”

 

“...Okay then.” You shrug and stand next to her, lighting your own cig. “What's your name?”

 

“Aradia Megido. History major.” She holds out a hand, and you shake it. It's warm and welcoming and you like it, you like it quite a lot.

 

“Sollux Captor. Undecided.” She laughs. “What? Lots of us haven't chosen majors yet, we're just freshmen.”

 

“I wasn't laughing at that, just...your voice.”

 

“Oh,” you say flatly. “The lisp, right?”

 

“It's really cute,” she says with a grin. She leans back against the lamppost, blowing smoke into the winter air--nigh-indistinguishable from a normal exhalation in this weather. “So Sollux. Why're _you_ out here so late?”

 

“I like the quiet.”

 

“...Do you want me to leave, then?”

 

“What? No! You're fine, Aradia, totally fine.” Shit, you're sweating bullets--this is nerve-wracking and she's so pretty and so willing to talk and--

 

“Great! We should go out to Denny's, it's freezing out here and I kind of want pancakes.”

 

“...What.”

 

She shrugs. “Just a thought. It sounded fun to me. And who doesn't love late-night pancakes?”

 

\---

 

That's how you find yourself sitting at a Denny's at half past midnight, chatting about life with a complete stranger.

 

She tells you she's from California, and totally not used to the weather here, and that she lived with her mom and older sister before she moved here. “Damara's kind of crazy,” she says of her sister, “so Mom kind of has her hands full. I figured moving away for college would lighten her load a bit. But mostly I just wanted to go somewhere I'd never gone before. An adventure, basically. That's why I dragged you here! I wanted to be the kind of person who goes out to Denny's in the wee hours of the morning, who talks to strangers and wears big cozy sweaters.” 

 

Aradia looks down at her coffee. “I know how stupid that sounds.”

 

“Not really,” you tell her. “I mean...my home life was kind of bluh. Brother had brain problems, dad was never home. At least you know what you want to be. I have no fucking clue.”

 

“Do you really have to, though?” She beams--her smile is bright and so genuine, and you've never believed in love at first sight, but _fuck_. “We're young. There's no rush! Take your time! Just because _I_ know what I want doesn't mean everyone else has to.”

 

When you part, you exchange phone numbers and Skype usernames, and promise you'll see each other again.

 

\---

 

It becomes a regular thing, you and Aradia meeting in the smoking area late at night and briefly using it for its intended purpose before going off to do something else. One night it's a trip to 7-Eleven to buy Slurpees; another it's sneaking out to a playground and playing on the swings like you're both still little kids. Things like that.

 

This time she takes you to the cemetery.

 

She lays an old comforter down on the snowy ground and lies down, head against a tombstone. You lie down next to her, and she speaks.

 

“What kind of funeral do you want, Sollux? Like, do you ever think about that? What you want people to do when you die?”

 

“...Sometimes, yeah. When I'm depressed, mostly.” She knows about your bipolar disorder, of course--you had to give her a heads-up early on. “I kinda tend to hope they'll just forget about me. No funeral, none of that bullshit.”

 

She smiles faintly. “I can understand that. I've been there, actually. Spent a week in the psych ward. Couldn't wear lace-up shoes or use actual utensils at mealtime. I mean, I'm better now, but...I've been there. I wanted to fade away. To just dissipate, like smoke.” She pulls her cigarettes from her coat pocket, lights one, puffs on it as if to illustrate her point.

 

“Wait, _what_?”

 

“I don't know what I want when I die, Sollux. I know what I want now, but I can't figure out my funeral. It bugs me, y'know? Maybe I'll die suddenly, in an accident or something, and they'll just make something up. And I'll be looking down, and I'll know that's not what I want.”

 

“...You tried to kill yourself.”

 

She gives a slight nod. “It was a few years back.” Her smile is gone now, and it's kind of strange, looking at her like this. “I wasn't in a good place, so I took a bunch of pills and waited.” She pauses, takes another drag. “Then I wound up puking them all up and my mom heard me vomiting and she took me to the hospital.”

 

You chuckle slightly, and immediately feel awful. “Sorry, that's not funny, I--”

 

“It kind of _is_ funny, though! I mean, it's a better story than me dying.” She laughs. “I'm glad, really. There's so much I would've missed out on if I'd died. Like meeting you.”

 

Aradia rolls over onto her side, and, with her free hand, pulls you in for a kiss.

 

You're in love. You can't even deny it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why yes, parts of this WERE inspired by Looking For Alaska. And Paper Towns.


	10. Overdose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicide. Like, seriously. That's all this chapter is about.
> 
> I feel bad for Damara. :(

Your name is Damara Megido, and this is gonna be the last night of your life.

 

You've been planning your suicide for months now. Hell, this isn't even the first time you've tried ( _your mom just said “damara i'm disappointed in you” and your sister just looked at you all sad and hid in her headphones for the rest of her visit to your room in the psych ward and your roommate was some anorexic girl with a name even dumber than yours_ ), but you've done your research. Last time you slit your wrists and you still have the scars, running from just beneath your palms to just beneath the crook of your elbow, and it didn't fucking work, so you actually looked things up this time and you're definitely going to die, you've made sure of it, because you don't care anymore.

 

You wonder when you stopped caring. You think it was when you found out Rufioh was fucking that Horuss guy behind your back. You went through a period where you tried to drown out the pain ( _drugs, drinking, cutting, smoking, stubbing out your cigarettes on your arms, fucking cronus motherfucking ampora behind the school dumpsters and crying afterwards_ ) and then one day it just hit you, it hit you that no one mattered and you mattered the least of all and no one would give a fuck if you died. Not your distant-as-fuck mom or your happy-go-lucky little sister.

 

And definitely not Rufioh, the only person you ever really loved, the first person you ever kissed, the first person you ever fucked.

 

Maybe you'll be happier when you're dead. Maybe you'll feel something other than rage for once.

 

Maybe you'll just keep not feeling and not caring, but that won't matter because you'll be too...well, _dead_ to notice.

 

You don't even care.

 

You did your research this time.

 

You stole your mom's bottle of vodka and her sleeping pills. You wrote a note out explaining everything. The note used the word “fuck” at least ten times, you think.

 

( _your sister was always the good kid. she never swore, she got good grades, she was dating a genuinely decent nerd. she was the one who made your mom proud._

 

_she'll have a fucking field day with the sheer enraged vulgarity found in your suicide note._ )

 

You know what to do--take an antihistamine, then some of the pills, then crush the rest and take them with booze. Super simple. You actually did your research this time, and apparently the certainty rate is around ninety percent.

 

You really hope you're not one of the ten percent that survives.

 

You've taken the Benadryl already, and you hope it works. You don't want to puke everything up, that'd just defeat the purpose.

 

Twenty percent taken alone, they say. You don't divide the pills up super carefully--you just sort of eyeball it--but you swallow them nonetheless.

 

You wait.

 

You get drowsy.

 

You crush the rest of the pills against your bed's headboard with your fist, shove them into your mouth a fistful at a time, and drink the vodka down. It burns--you don't know how your mom stands it. Maybe she's just desperate, just as empty as you.

 

She has things to hold onto, though. She has a purpose. You have none of that.

 

You feel sick. Maybe you should lie down. You stumble to your bed, but your limbs feel like lead and rubber.

 

Oh. You seem to have fallen down.

 

Does that really matter? Does anything matter?

 

Your eyelids are just as heavy as the rest of you.

 

Sleeping might be a good idea, you think. Dimly, you wonder if death will be like sleeping. Maybe you'll dream. Maybe they'll be nice dreams. You hope they are.

 

And that's the last thing you think before your eyes flutter shut and you finally, mercifully, lose consciousness.

 

Forever.

 

-

 

You'll never know that it was Aradia that found you, that she screamed and sobbed over your body and begged you to wake up, just wake up and breathe and not be dead.

 

You'll never hear your mom frantically calling 911, or the paramedics pronouncing you dead at the scene.

 

You'll never know that your entire class showed up at your funeral, that they buried you with your favorite plushie and in your favorite red dress.

 

You'll never know anything about the world you left behind.

  
Your name is Damara Megido, and you are dead.


	11. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There aren't enough fics about Aradia's death told from _her_ POV...

The first thing she's aware of, after regaining consciousness, is the pain. Everything hurts. A lot. Her ears, her limbs, her head, her chest, everything.

 

Anyone who would see her would see her lying broken in the wreckage of her hive, bones broken and limbs unnaturally bent, back half-snapped against the debris. Maybe the blood, too--it pours from her mouth and nose with every rasping exhalation.

 

She opens her eyes.

 

Sollux is right there, looking down at her. She smiles, despite the situation--he's crying, he needs the cheering up. She tries to say something, but nothing comes out, just more blood.

 

_That_ scares her.

 

"Oh God, AA. I-it's gonna be okay, you just need to keep breathing. Okay? Just...just keep breathing. AA, look at me. I'm so sorry, I promise I'll never let anything like this happen again, I just...I just need you to live."

 

Her vision is failing, and so is her hearing. But as her body fails her, as her lungs fill with blood, she realizes that, no matter how hard she tries, she _can't_ breathe.

 

Her last gesture before dying is to wipe the tears from his eyes, just before her arm falls limp.

 

And that's why when she revives, when she's fully alive again, Aradia can't help but cherish every breath she takes.

 


	12. Blanket

"Nepeta, you do realize you are far too old for something so childish, do you not?"

 

Nepeta clutched her blanket tighter to her chest. Okay, in fairness it was more of an animal pelt than a _blanket_ per se, but its purpose was fairly well identical. "Equius, I am only six sweeps old!" she protested. "Just because _you_ decided to be a boring grown-up all early doesn't mean _I_ have to, you know!"  

 

"You have two sweeps left before conscription, Nepeta."

 

"Yeah, and that's a long time! And I don't _need_ my blanket, I just like it a lot! Dammit, you're so stuck-up sometimes!"

 

"Language, Nepeta."

 

Nepeta growled slightly, clutching her blanket even closer. "Well, there's no way you're taking it way from me either way!"

 

"There's just no reasoning with you about this, is there?"

  
Nepeta simply stuck out her tongue. "Nope!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow what cuties


	13. First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, look, I wrote a sex scene.
> 
> (My headcanon is that the humans have tried to explain safe sex to the trolls. Oops.)

"...How the fuck do you get these things on?" Sollux wondered out loud, fumbling with the clasps to Aradia's bra. "Seriously, what the fuck?"

 

"It's not that complicated," she laughed. "I'll get it off myself, okay?"

 

After some utterly mystifying feats--well, mystifying to Sollux--the bra found its way off of Aradia's chest. "Also, how are you able to run around with rumble spheres like those?"

 

"Sollux, shut up and kiss me." She pulled his face towards hers, eyes closed, and kissed him full on the mouth, which he naturally reciprocated.

 

As she pulled away from the kiss, Aradia asked, "Do you have the condom?"

 

"The what now?"

 

"It's a human thing. Apparently if you don't use it during sex you'll get pregnant and die." Aradia pulled a small square package from her sylladex, and began to carefully unwrap it. "It goes on your bulge, and it collects genetic material. Pretty simple."

 

Several minutes later, after both parties had completely removed every last article of clothing, Aradia slid the condom onto Sollux's dick, careful to avoid tearing it. "I...I _think_ you only have to keep it on during sex," she noted, seeming a bit confused herself.

 

"God, I hope so. Can we fuck now?"

 

"My understanding is that foreplay is a _thing_ , Sollux. Plus, apparently these condoms are flavored, and I'm curious." With that, Aradia knelt down in front of her matesprit and took his cock into her mouth, giving it a cursory lick. "Ew, grape. Okay, we're skipping this part, I don't want to puke."

 

"Grape _is_ pretty gross," Sollux conceded. "Uh...what now?"

 

"You stick it in my seed flap? I think? Look, I don't know much more than you."

 

"So you and Equius never--"

 

"We do _not_ talk about my kinda-sorta fling with him, Sollux. Not in the bedroom. Or ever, really. But no, you're my first. You're the first person I've ever even seen naked, for crying out loud."

 

"Okay, okay!"

 

Aradia got back onto the strange human device known as a bed and lay down, legs spread. "Okay, I think you're supposed to take it from here? It's not like your bulge could get any harder at this point, so..."

 

After a few misses, Sollux managed to work his way inside her. "Ow," she grunted.

 

"You okay?"

 

"Yeah, just...this is my first time and I'm not used to this. Keep going."

 

The couple began working up a regular rhythm,at least for about five minutes. And then Sollux came, pulling out, exhausted.

 

"...Okay, I'm going to need to work on this," Sollux sighed.

 

Aradia smiled.

 

"Well," she said huskily, "you'll always have me to practice on."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow can you tell who has experience with awkwardly having sex for the first time 
> 
> (spoilers: it's me)


	14. Wants And Needs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Migrating all my HSWC bonus round fills to this collection for easier navigation.
> 
> Prompt: pale Sollux/Terezi.  
> "but at the same time i wish   
> there was something i wanted  
> as badly as he wanted to fry himself"
> 
> \-- the lesson of the moth, by Don Marquis

 

You go to Sollux's hive more than a fortnight after you go blind, a week after you begin learning to see through smell and taste, and he's still a mess.

 

Your sense of smell is overwhelmed by the fact that he hasn't cleaned his apartment since Aradia died (nor has he showered, as far as you can tell). The stench of rotting food and stale sopor slime blinds you as surely as the sun had, and you let out an exasperated sigh.

 

But you are so very pale for this boy, and you can't shirk your duties as his moirail. Not now.

 

“Sollux, get out of your recuperacoon,” you order.

 

“No.”

 

“You need to snap out of this soon. Moping like this won't bring her back and you know it.”

 

He looks up at you from his 'coon, glaring. “Ever think that maybe I just want to die already? That maybe when I do haul myself into the ablution trap I'll throw a moobeast prod in too and just fry myself? Hey, that's a  _great_  fucking idea. Thanks, me.”

 

“She wouldn't have wanted to see you like this. None of us do. I'm not saying you have to forget about her, I'm just saying you need to be less of a goddamn  _ass_  about it. It's unbelievably selfish of you. We're all worried, Sollux.”

 

“You shouldn't be.”

 

“Yes we should. You're destroying yourself at this rate. You have friends who care about you. You have a goddamn  _moirail._  It's my job to keep you from screwing yourself over! I'm getting you out of your recuperacoon right now, and don't even bother trying to stop me.”

 

Sollux has at least a foot on you, but sweeps of FLARP on your part and sweeps of forgetting to eat or exercise on his have left you significantly stronger than him, so you grab him by the shoulders and quite literally drag his slime-covered body out of the 'coon. “Get into the shower. I'm going to have to go in with you, because I swear to God, if you do anything to yourself in there I will  _never_  forgive you.”

 

You walk him to the ablution chamber, and, as he cleans himself off, you sit on the load gaper and watch--not in a creepy way, of course, you're just so  _worried--_ and it dawns on you that your moirallegiance has been awfully one-sided lately.

 

That can't be helped though, not now anyway. You're fine with being blind; almost happy with it, in fact. Right now, Sollux is the one who needs your help.

 

You just wish you needed him the way he needs you.


	15. Scar Tissue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: pale Dave/Aradia.  
> “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ― Rose Kennedy

It's been precisely sixty-three years, four months, two weeks, six days, three hours, four minutes, and ten seconds since Dave Strider last saw Aradia Megido. He's a Hero of Time; he knows that much.

 

He doesn't quite understand  _why_  it's been so long. They'd grown close after the game, not romantically close (by human standards, at least), but still nigh-inseparable at times, and she called him her moirail and he didn't understand that exactly, just accepted it.

 

She just ran off one day, when they were nineteen, seemingly in search of some sort of adventure. She wrote at first, and then, abruptly, she stopped.

 

It's December 23rd, two days before Christmas, and he's decided to see if, for whatever reason, she still lives where she did last time he got a letter for her.

 

He drives all the way to Seattle, to the small house she lived in last time he checked, and rings the doorbell.

 

“It's unlocked.”

 

He complies, and, for the first time in so very long, he sees her face.

 

He is so old and he hasn't aged since he was in his early twenties and none of the other god tiers have either, the price of immortality, and while Aradia is no exception to this, she certainly looks  _different._  Tired. Sad.

 

“You alright?” he finally asks.

 

She shakes her head. “No. They're all dead, Dave. Everyone I played the game with, every other troll. I mean, there are other trolls now, but not the ones I  _knew_.”

 

His poker face remains, but there is a hint of concern to his voice when he asks her to tell him more, and more than a bit of resignation in hers when she tells him everything.

 

“I can't turn back time anymore, Dave. Can you?”

 

“Nah. Tried once, didn't work.”

 

“You're lucky, you know. You still have your friends from before the game.”

 

“I know.”

 

She smiles faintly. “I shouldn't be like this, should I? I should be dead by now. I should've died years ago. Rustbloods always do. I mean, I should be grateful to be alive, but it's not the same. Every time an old friend died, it was like...like a wound, I guess. They scar over but they never really go away.”

 

He thinks of his Bro, and shakes his head a bit. “Well, yeah. But you can't just dwell on that. This isn't  _like_  you, Megido. They're probably happy doing...whatever the fuck dead people do. You still have us. We care. _I_ care. I mean, we're still moirails, right? That's not a thing that stopped being true?”

 

She hugs him, and he hugs back. He thinks she's crying a little.

 

“So...you wanna come to our place for Christmas?” he asks, a bit unsure.

 

She pulls away from his embrace, a slight smirk on her face.

 

“Will there be eggnog?”

 

“Duh.”

 

“I'm in.”


	16. Neophyte

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Dave<3Terezi.
> 
> "I want a girl who gets up early  
> I want a girl who stays up late  
> I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity  
> Who uses a machete to cut through red tape  
> With fingernails that shine like justice  
> And a voice that is dark like tinted glass  
> She is fast and thorough  
> And sharp as a tack  
> She's touring the facility  
> And picking up slack  
> I want a girl with a short skirt and a long, long jacket"  
> -Cake, Short Skirt/Long Jacket

Dave was pretty sure that his first reaction to seeing his brother's defense attorney should not have been to pop a boner, but there you have it.

 

The media was declaring his older brother's murder trial to be an open-and-shut case. If one were to believe the news, they'd say, without hesistating, that Dirk Strider killed Tavros Nitram in cold blood.

 

Dave knew otherwise; his bro was a lot of things, but he wasn't a killer. Trouble was, no one was willing to defend someone who had, in the eyes of the public, already been declared guilty, and so Dirk was assigned a public defender.

 

Her name was Terezi Pyrope. She was barely any older than Dave himself, fresh out of law school, and insanely attractive, with fiery orange hair and freckles and, if he could be so bold, a choice ass. Even her lack of anything resembling fashion sense did nothing to dimish her beauty. Dave was very, very glad he'd worn baggy jeans that day.

 

“Dave Strider!” she chirped, snapping him out of his reverie. “Younger brother of Dirk Strider. Your brother stands accused of murder. What say you?”

 

Dave noticed that she wasn't looking at him, or even in his general direction. Then he noticed her red-and-white cane, realized she was probably blind or something, and felt like kind of a douchebag. “He ain't guilty, Pyrope. It's kind of your job to prove that.”

 

“It is my job to deliver  _justice._ ”

 

“Yeah, exactly.”

 

“You are correct! Your brother almost certainly did not murder anyone, and there is an ample amount of evidence stacked up against who I believe to be the true culprit. I've toured the detention facility, and I've spoken to your brother, and I am nearly certain he did nothing wrong. No, my suspicions lie--”

 

“I get the point.”

 

Terezi laughed. “Of course you do, coolkid.”

 

“...Coolkid.”

 

“Yes! You are the coolkid. It's you. I do believe you were something of a legend at Skaia High! You're the one who caused Mr. Hussie's mental breakdown, are you not? I've done my research, you know.”

 

“Damn right I am. Bastard had it comin'.”

 

She grinned like a shark. “I like you.”

 

Dave couldn't help but smile at that.


	17. YOU CAN'T GET YE FLASK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Dave/Rose.  
> "You can't get ye flask." -Strong Bad
> 
> (this one is shitty art oops)


	18. On The Subject Of The Manic Pixie Dream Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Vriska<3John. “I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things... I play with leaves. I skip down the street and run against the wind.” -Leo F. Buscaglia

The trope's name was not coined until 2005, in the context of film critic Nathan Rabin's review of Elizabethtown, but the concept of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl is an old one, as old as stories themselves. Maybe as old as romance.

 

You think that if John were a girl, he'd qualify as one. He is like something out of one of Karkat's shitty romcoms, skipping down the street on the way home from school and running against the wind (one time he fell, it was kinda funny, you both laughed it off) and making your boring upper-middle-class suburban life  _fun_  again.

 

A Manic Pixie Dream Boy, maybe.

 

Yeah, that sounds about right.

 

Your name is Vriska Serket and you'd been in a massive funk until a few months ago. None of your old friends would talk to you, not after The Accident. You told yourself you didn't need them, that you were independent and strong, but you were, on the inside, indescribably lonely.

 

And then John Egbert transferred to your school and sat down next to you at lunch, unprompted, and struck up a conversation with you.

 

“You look interesting,” he'd said. “Like some kind of evil femme fatale who isn't actually that evil and winds up a good guy in the end.” You didn't know what to make of that, but you assumed it was a compliment.

 

Before long, he asked you on a date. You saw a movie at his place, a Nic Cage flick from the late '90s, and he kissed you on your doorstep after driving you home because that's how it's supposed to work, and now you're a couple. Four months and counting, longest relationship you've ever been in.

 

Your name is Vriska Serket, your life has become a shitty romcom, and you don't mind one bit. 


	19. Houses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Pale Aradia/Tavros. "I'll see you at your funeral, if you'll see me at mine. I'll wait at the edges for your ghost to rise (until the end of time). We'll find someplace nice to haunt, an abandoned beach house filled with memories of summer sunburns. Children will giggle as we tickle their feet at night and they'll never know the bad dreams we fight. We'll make our own heaven. Walking in places we used to walk until death, dies."  
> -The Place Where I Wait, I Wrote This For You

Tavros had never expected his best friend to actually die.  
  
Okay, that's not true--he'd known she'd die  _someday_ , as everyone does. He just...hadn't expected it to happen so soon.   
  
Sixteen-year-olds don't just up and die in real life, right? That's just an overused trope in depressing young adult novels. That's what he, in all his wide-eyed innocence, had figured.   
  
And then she had. According to the autopsy techs, Aradia Megido, age sixteen, had died of a brain aneurysm, one that had gone undetected until it was too late.  
  
He cries like a baby at her funeral, of course. How could he not? For all his fantasies and all her talk of ghosts, he's got no clue what had happened to her--not to her body, but to  _her._    
  
(She'd told him once that when they were both dead they could be spooky old ghosts together, her words. They could find a big old house to haunt and mess with anyone who dared to cross them. Maybe they could invite their friends, but she'd assured him it would mostly just be them, and she'd hugged him and called him her best friend in the whole wide world.)  
  
\---  
  
When they meet again, he is nearly eighty, wheelchair-bound and decrepit, and she tells him, in the voice of a sixteen-year-old girl who loved books and abandoned houses and adventure movies, that she missed him and that his funeral was beautiful.  
  
"You're still here," he marvels, and in that moment he is young again, and her hands are on his shoulders, a grin gracing her face. 

"Of course I am! So, about that abandoned house..."


	20. All Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Sollux/Aradia.  
> "Yesterday a tranquil night made me realize  
> it'd be useless to pick up fallen petals  
> cause it'll never bloom again  
> it's tiny but already dead in my hands  
> Our time stopped long ago  
> I remembered the season when we first met  
> And your sweetly smiling face  
> bringing up old issues, we hurt each other as badly as possible,   
> Our hearts are full of thorns  
> with this continued frustrating relationship  
> I sadly can't change my heart  
> I still love you, I don't want to be apart from you,  
> But I have to say it  
> It's raining heavily in my mind,  
> Dazed and terrified, even my vision is blurry  
> I anticipated the hurt   
> But my body can't move  
> the bond between us has come apart and is dying away everyday  
> Goodbye my love... This is the end  
> We have to leave without turning back"  
> -'Just Be Friends' by Luka Megurine

There is very little left of the Aradia you were so painfully in love with, and you're the reason why.  
  
The "accident" ( _no, not an accident, it was murder and it was your fucking fault_ ) left her a shell of who she once was. Even now, as a robot, she doesn't smile, or laugh, or exude the sheer unbridled  _passion_  that the old Aradia--your Aradia--did.   
  
You did some reading and you wonder if she's just depressed, but it seems so unlike her, and you can't help but blame yourself for tearing the joy from her, the love and passion and beauty.   
  
You talk to her one day, tell her that you think things will never be the same between you. You tell her--truthfully--that you still love her, but that being around her just  _drains_  you, just makes you sad and angry.   
  
"I don't think there can be anything between us anymore, AA. Not right now."  
  
Her words shake you to your core.  
  
"Was there ever anything between us? I forget."  
  
And as you look her in those dead, mechanical eyes, you could swear you see tears.


	21. The Adventures Of Akwete Purrmusk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Remember when Dave and Nepeta made that funny comic together?"

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

AC: :33 < *ac prowls up to the human with the cool shades, befur pouncing on him!*

TG: oh hey sup nepeta

TG: see youre still doin the cat thing

TG: thats cool

TG: im just working on my comic so im a bit preoccupied

TG: purreoccupied?

TG: fuck it i cant do puns

AC: :33 < that was actually really good! :oo

AC: :33 < i didnt know you liked to draw too

AC: :33 < you shouldve told me!

TG: oh hell yeah im an artistic genius

TG: got this sweet-ass webcomic

TG: sweet bro and hella jeff

TG: idk if you know about it because aliens but yeah

TG: heres a link

TG: sweetbroandhellajeff.com

AC: :33 < hmmmmmmmmmm

AC: :33 < thats a purretty silly comic dave

AC: :33 < pawsitively ridiculous in fact!

AC: :33 < ooh, know what would be really fun?

TG: what

AC: :33 < we could purroduce a comic togefur!

TG: oh shit yes

TG: finally a use for my awesome fursona

TG: pawsome even

TG: his names Akwete Purrmusk hes great

AC: :oo < i didnt know you had a fursona!

TG: yeah i do

TG: i have like five million followers on furaffinity im kind of a big deal

AC: :33 < what

TG: never mind

TG: anyway got any ideas for this comic

TG: maybe akwete and pounce could yiff

TG: then theres the shocking revelation that pounce is pregnant

TG: sues akwete for child support

TG: but akwetes all hell no those aint my kittens

AC: :33 < but in the end it all works out and they become matespurrits, right?

TG: well duh

TG: theres gotta be a happy ending for these precious furries

TG: thats important as fuck

TG: but idk if we should only have two characters that seems a little sparse for what were going for here

AC: :33 < oh definitely!

AC: :33 < furtunately i have a lot of ocs

AC: :33 < and maybe i can convince vwhiskers to let me borrow her spidersona…

AC: :33 < id make her the bad guy though >:33

TG: harsh

TG: also who the fuck is vwhiskers thats not six letters

TG: dont all of you weird aliens have six letter names or something

AC: :33 < h33 h33, yes we do!

AC: :33 < her real name is vriska but i like to call her vwhiskers

AC: :33 < just like how karkat is karcat but thats also six letters so it purrobably doesnt count in your book

TG: nah it counts

AC: :33 < so maybe her spidersona tries to get in the way of akwete and pounces love!

AC: :33 < but their love is so purr and true that everything works out fine in the end :33

TG: purr

AC: :33 < oh, pure, sorry!

AC: :33 < that was kind of a stupid pun sorry

TG: nah ive seen worse

TG: so do any of your other friends have any killer fursonas i can borrow

TG: i could probably hit jade up

TG: shed probably be cool with me using mr coxcomb

TG: hes a dashing gentleman

TG: definitely one of the good guys

AC: :33 < i wonder if fefurry has a fishsona! i should go ask her, brb

TG: k

AC: :33 < sadly she does not :((

AC: :33 < but she said she cant wait to see our comic come to furruition! :33

TG: aw hell yeah

TG: gonna be the best comic ever

TG: theres gonna be so many teenagers painting themselves weird colors and like making fursuits and shit and showing up at conventions

TG: move over problem sleuth

TG: theres a new comic team in town


	22. Coming Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Remember Rose's terrible coming out party, where the hostess was hammered, most of the guests didn't understand why any of this was a big deal, and Kanaya felt very strange about the whole affair?"

“Rose,” Kanaya whispered, “are you _sure_ this is a good idea?”

 

“R’lax, Kananners! ‘S a great idea. I just need to--HIC!--tell ‘em. ‘S important.”

 

Kanaya wasn’t so sure about this. What was so weird about her being attracted to women, anyway? Wasn’t everyone?

 

Then again, given that Kanaya had never met another monosexual member of her own species, she couldn’t help but wonder.

 

Either way, here she was, in the biggest room on the meteor, setting out plastic chairs for Rose’s “coming out party.” (Coming out of _what_? The door into the room? Kanaya would never understand human slang, she didn’t think.)

 

“Atten...attention!” Rose shouted, walking unsteadily into the room.

 

“Rose, no one has even arrived yet.”

 

“They’re gonna be here sssssoon,” she slurred. And she was right--her shouting had attracted their comrades, none of whom had the slightest clue what was going on.

 

“‘Ey, Dave,” Rose laughed. “I’ve got somethin’ really great to tell you. An’ ev’ryone else, too. So alla you should...sit down. ‘Cause it’s a big….a big...thing.”

 

Kanaya had never experienced more secondhand embarrassment in her life--and coming from someone who had been friends with Karkat for sweeps, that was saying quite a lot. Looking over the crowd, such as it could be called, she could tell they felt the same.

 

Rose pulled the microphone (seriously, where did she find that?) from her sylladex, tapping it, and began to talk.

 

“‘Kay, dearly be...belo...friends. We are gathered here togay…”

  
Rose burst out laughing. “Oh my god, that was the worst...fuck, what was that psychology guy called again...fuck it, the worst word boner I’ve ever popped. But yeahhh.” She dropped the mic, letting it fall to the floor with a clatter, and pointed at herself.

 

“Who has two thumbs and is gay?” she shouted.

 

A silence, broken only by Kanaya’s palm hitting her own face.

 

“...Lalonde,” Karkat finally said, “this is the fifth time you’ve told us. And you STILL haven’t explained why the fuck it’s so important!”

“Wellll...’s important ‘cause…”

 

And with that, Rose fell over, landing in Kanaya’s arms.

 

“‘Ey, cutie,” she said.

 

Oh, Rose, Kanaya thought, what am I going to do with you?

 

The only sound was Dave giving a standing ovation.

 

\---

 

“So I never did explain things,” Rose told Kanaya months down the line, after the game ended.

 

“Which things did you fail to explain?”

 

“The whole gay thing.”

 

“Well,” Kanaya said, “as it happens, Dave was kind enough to clarify. Is it true that homosexuals live exclusively in closets, only coming out to explain their orientation to others?”

  
“...I think,” Rose sighed, “that I can explain things better than that.”


	23. Becoming A Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Remember Jane's Quinceañera?"


	24. Hackers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Remember that time Sollux and Roxy had a hack off and ended up both getting arrested and spending the night in jail together?"

 

It had started, like so many bad decisions that lead to people being arrested, with a bet. In this case, a bet from your on-again, off-again girlfriend.

 

(At the time, the two of you were on-again.)

 

“Heyyyy, Solly,” she’d drawled to you over video chat. “We should see who can hack into the local police station’s database fastest.”

 

You just stared. Roxy was a damn smart girl, but this was the single dumbest idea you’d ever heard. And yet somehow...somehow, it was enticing.

 

Besides, she had you wrapped around her little finger right now. It's hard not to say yes to a cute girl in frilly pink lingerie.

 

“What does the winner receive?” you asked, after a long, pregnant pause.

 

“How ‘bout...we each pool in twenty bucks. An’ the winner takes all.”

 

“Make it twenty-two and I’m in.”

 

She shakes her head. “You an’ your twos. Fine.”

 

“...So do we start now?”

 

“Hell yeah, motherfucker!”

 

\---

 

TG: heyyyyyy guess waht

TG: *what

TA: what.

TG: guess who just figured out

TG: all the cops top secrets

TG: all of them

TG: (spoipers: its me)

TA: goddammiit.

TA: okay, ii’ll giive you the money next tiime ii 2ee you.

TA: ii wa2n’t puttiing iin that much effort anyway two be hone2t.

TA: becau2e the whole thiing 2eemed really retarded two me.

TG: um

TG: yeah bout that

TG: i guess it kidna was?

TG: *kina

TG: *fuck it

TG: cause now the police are at my doorr :(

TG: and i think ima need u 2 use that momey for the porposes of bailin my fine booty out of jail  
TG: *buncha typos

TA: 2ee rx, thii2 ii2 why you 2hould never come up wiith plan2 whiile drunk.

TA: ii’ve told you thii2 2o many tiime2.

TG: yeah but

TG: u still went along with it

TG: ur in for the long haul B)

TG: shit theyre breakin down the door

TG: bbl

TA: ...ii am 2o breakiing up wiith you.

[TG has logged off!]

TA: fuck.

 

\---

 

“So, Mr. Captor.”

 

“What do you want?”

“You tried to hack into the police databases, correct?”

 

“Yeah, but first off, I didn’t succeed, and it was RX’s idea anyway, so…”

 

The cop--T. Pyrope, according to the badge--stared at you. At least, you think she was staring.

 

“Even the accomplice gets in trouble,” she said with a grin, right before bursting into laughter.

 

“Was that a fucking Law 4 Kids reference?”

 

The only response you got was a pair of cold metal handcuffs slapped on your wrists. That, and a snort from the cute blonde girl sitting in the back of the police car.

 

“Goddammit, Roxy.”


	25. Art Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DamaraTavros
> 
> Flink (Norwegian): Being good at something; able; good; skilled

Your name is Damara Megido, and you’re in the middle of a painting.  
  
Painting, art in general, takes the pain away. Whether you’re looking at it or creating it (oh, but  _especially_  when you’re creating it), there’s something soothing about it.  
  
God knows you need that much.  
  
You’ll have to thank the all-too-aptly-named Ms. Paint eventually. She’s the 12th grade art teacher, one of the few people you trust anymore and the closest thing you have to a (much-needed) therapist. Rufioh’s infidelity, Meenah’s bullying, your shitty home life, it all took such a toll on you.  
  
For a long time, you took to self-harm. There are still scars on your arms from stubbing out cigarettes on your skin and slashing at it with an exacto knife, and when she noticed them, Ms. Paint grew worried.  
  
But you couldn’t see the school counselor. It was out of the question--he’s your father, after all, the one who seems to take joy in making your life hell, and despite your numerous complaints, the school refuses to fire the bastard. Tenure and all that.  
  
So she advised you to take up art as a form of therapy. She even lets you hang out in the art room after school, protocol be damned.  
  
You’re always alone in there, save for Ms. Paint. You like it like that.  
  
And then one day you aren’t.  
  
“Hey, uh, I left my backpack in here, and...who are you?”  
  
Ms. Paint is introducing you to him before you can say anything, and it hits you as she speaks that it’s Tavros Nitram. Your ex-boyfriend’s little brother, with his prosthetic legs and braces and stutter, maybe the only kid at Skaia High more despised than you. Your own sister is one of his only friends, and that Vriska girl has a reputation for tormenting the kid.  
  
Part of you hates him for being related to Rufioh. Most of you feels kind of bad for him.  
  
“Oh, so you’re Damara, then? I’m Tavros.”  
  
You blush. “Yeah.”  
  
He walks on over, and looks at the canvas you’ve been slathering in acrylics for a long, silent moment.  
  
“You’re really good at, uh, painting,” he comments, and you don’t believe him--when people compliment you they never mean it.  
  
“Seriously. I wish I could make things that pretty.”  
  
But he seems so earnest, almost incapable of lying. You smile weakly, then turn your attention back to the painting.   
  
“Is...is it okay if I, uh, watch you paint?”  
  
You’re a bit taken aback, but you find yourself nodding before you can really think about it, and he sits down on the stool next to yours, watching in rapt attention.  
  
“...Maybe I’ll teach you,” you finally say. “We can be friends.”  
  
He grins.  
  
“I’d really like that.”


	26. Falling Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan/Feferi
> 
> 花残月缺, hua can yue que (Chinese): Lit. 'the flowers wither, the moon is lacking'. Something that was once beautiful, falling out of love.

Your name is Eridan Ampora, and you are in love with Feferi Peixes.  
  
You love the way she laughs when you tell a corny joke. You love her long silky hair. You love her bright eyes, how her grey irises are just beginning to speckle with fuchsia. You love her soft, curvy figure. You love everything about her and you’d listen to her inane babbling about equality and dismantling the hemospectrum for a lifetime if it meant you could have a chance with her.  
  
When she asks if you’ll be her moirail, you accept. It’s not what you want, but it’ll do.  
  
After all, you’ve heard plenty of stories about fine young lads and lasses working their way from moirallegiance to matespritship. Who’s to say it can’t happen to you?  
  
So you listen. You listen to her silly, foolish plans for the kingdom, and you almost find yourself agreeing, just because they’re her plans, and she is perfect.  
  
You spend many a day lying awake in your recuperacoon, fantasizing about touching her soft body, about kissing her, about fucking her. You fantasize about her becoming empress and you being her loyal matesprit and second-in-command.  
  
You fantasize about  _her._  
  
-  
  
Your name is Eridan Ampora, and you are crushed. Crushed beyond repair.  
  
Just friends? Not even moirails anymore, much less matesprits--how does she expect you to settle for  _that_? How are you supposed to settle for that, when you did so much for her--not just as her moirail, but as one of her future subjects?   
  
How are you supposed to settle for that when you see her making matingblock eyes at that fucking pissblood Captor? How are you supposed to settle for  _anything_  when you see them walking hand-in-hand through the halls, when you can hear them fucking in the block next to yours when you’re trying to sleep?  
  
You begin noticing things about Feferi, too, things about her that you’d never noticed before. She’s so heavyset, and when she gets really upset she sobs like a wiggler, and she can just be  _such a bitch_. Hell, her breaking up with you should’ve set off alarms in regards to that.  
  
But you still ask her to join you, to join Jack Noir. It’s a gesture of desperation, yes. Because part of you does still love her, you think.  
  
And when you watch the life fade from her eyes after you shoot her through the stomach, you feel those last bits of love fade with it.


	27. The Storm Of The Century

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat♥Terezi
> 
> Vedriti (Slovene)
> 
> To take shelter from the rain and wait for it to finish so you can go on your way.

They’re calling it the storm of the century, and you’re inclined to agree.

 

Normally, you don’t go into coffee shops. (You’re not big on coffee in general, at least not on its own. The concept of drinking black coffee is nearly foreign to you.) But it’s absolutely pissing rain and it’s so windy that your cane threatens to fly out of your hand, and so you duck into the nearest shop, accepting that you’re just going to have to call your instructor and ask for a recording of the lecture. Or notes in Braille, at least, but you highly doubt that would be feasible.

 

And your every sense--your piss-poor eyesight and your highly developed sense of smell most of all--tells you that you’ve made your way into a hipsteriffic little coffee shop. The warmth is such a relief, and you tap your way up to the register (there’s no line; either this place sucks, or it’s a hidden gem) and order a caramel macchiato and a pumpkin scone from a woman who speaks slowly and carefully.

 

“I’m blind, not deaf,” you spit.

 

“I do not recall implying you could not hear me.”

 

“You’re talking like I can’t!”

 

“This is simply my usual voice. I apologize if that offends you somehow.”

 

You sit down to wait for your drink, the door flies open, and someone walks in.

 

“Kanaya, I’ll have my usual,” he shouts, and you recognize him immediately, from his voice alone. Karkat Vantas, your high school friend and former crush. He must be visiting his family or something, you figure. After all, you’re pretty sure he lives in New York now.

 

And as Kanaya calls your drink, he looks at you, and you can tell from his gasp that he recognizes you too.

 

“Terezi?”

 

“Last time I checked. What’re you doing here?”

 

“Visiting relatives,” he grumbles. Just as you’d deduced--ah, yes, you will be a fantastic lawyer with skills like that. “Needed to get away from Kankri’s goddamn preaching, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so _wet_. Hey, wanna get caught up? I’m kind of dying of boredom here.”

 

You take your drink, and your lips curl into a grin. “Of course, Mister Cherry Red Hair Dye!”

 

“Fuck you, it’s a fashion statement.” You laugh. “It is! It’s just like your stupid fucking dragon hoodie. I can’t believe you still wear that.”

 

“So you’re saying I’d look better with it off?” you ask, waggling your eyebrows.

 

“...Maybe.”

  
You think maybe this storm isn’t turning out to be such a bad thing.


	28. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calliope/Roxy
> 
> Tu me manques (French) - a way of saying "I miss you" but literally meaning "you are missing from me" as in "you are a part of me that is missing." It's generally used for people whom you're really close to or love very much and its connotation is that it describes the soul-aching feeling of emptiness when you miss someone.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering uranianUmbra [UU]

 

TG: callie

TG: caaaaaaaaalliiiiieeeeee

TG: calliope

TG: where the eff r u

TG: i miss chattin w/ u so fuckin much

TG: pls tell me ur asshole bro didnt get to u

TG: ugh i hate that fucker so much

TG: like i dont think ive even talked to him?

TG: i think only dirk has

TG: but SHIT

TG: fuck that guy so hard

TG: up the ass with a cactus

TG: i just wanted 2 tell u

TG: i havent had a drink in a month now

TG: idk how long that is in cherub time

TG: but its p cool

TG: i mean ive had DRINKS

TG: like water and shit

TG: aint gonna die of dehydration here

TG: but i mean

TG: im off the sauce

TG: havent touched a single alcoholic thing in a month

TG: i just thought ud b rly proud of me if u knew :(

TG: i know it probs made u really fuckin sad when you had to deal w/ me bein drunk off my ass

TG: it made my other friends sad

TG: tbh thats mostly why i quit

TG: for you and janey and dirk and jake and fefeta

TG: omg did i ever tell u about fefeta??

TG: shes my dear sweet precious sprite and shes perf and i love her

TG: she helped me with the drinkin thing a lot

TG: shes a good friend

TG: like almost as good a friend as u r

TG: cant say were

TG: jake says that if i believe hard enough maybe ill hear from u again

TG: probs bullshit but i can try

TG: its just

TG: okay

TG: im no language expert person

TG: im not even gonna make a lame pun about how i’m a cunning linguist bc thatd be stupid

TG: but janey kinda is

TG: she told me that in french they say “you are missing from me” instead of “i miss you” when you really super uber ULTRA miss a person

TG: (french is one of our earth human languages btw)

TG: or was i guess? fuck it

TG: anyway

TG: thats how i feel bout u

TG: ur like a part of me and its hella painful that youre gone

TG: i just wanted to tell u all that

TG: that i quit drinking and fefeta is great and mostly that i miss you and i hate ur douchetastic bro for maybe hurtin u

TG: and i love you so so sooooo much

TG: so i guess thats it

TG: catch u on the flip side calliope

TG: i hope you respond someday

TG: ill wait

TG: …

TG: im gonna stay online but man ive gotta close this damn window

TG: its making me sad :(

TG: bye callie

TG: no not bye

TG: too final-like

TG: seeya

TG: <3 <3 <3

  
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering uranianUmbra [UU]


	29. Hella Duende

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave/Rose
> 
> Duende, Spanish. Literally means something along the lines of "magic" or "charm." Used figuratively to define a moment of high emotion or inspiration, usually in response to a piece of art or beautiful action.

Your ectobiological brother has been rambling for a good hour now about the first _Complacency Of The Learned_ book--your masterpiece--and just how much it upset him, and you’re not sure whether to be flattered or annoyed.

 

You think you’ll settle for both.

 

“Seriously, Rose, killing Zazzerpan? That was not cool. That was fucked up and I have literally never been more upset in my life.”

 

“Do you actually mean literally, or do you mean figuratively? It’s hard to tell with you sometimes, brother dearest.”

 

“Don’t fucking call me that, Lalonde. And like, Bro dying was shitty as fuck, but Zazzerpan? I fucking cried.”

 

He pauses. “Manly tears, obviously,” he adds. “Because I’m a grown-ass man.”

 

“You’re seventeen. And there’s actually a word for what you are currently experiencing,” you note. You can’t help it--you love flexing your linguistic muscles whenever possible. It’s a habit you never did grow out of.

 

(Kanaya’s influence hasn’t helped, but that’s beside the point.)

 

“Jesus dick, you don’t need to teach me more words. Is this more bullshit psychobabble?”

 

“I used it at least once in the book. Remember when Frigglish referred to Calmasis’ spellcraft as ‘having duende?’”

 

“I don’t, because I make a point of not remembering the weird made-up words you put in your books, but okay.”

 

“Of course. But it’s not made up. It’s Spanish. English is not the only language there is, Strider.”

 

“Whatever. So what the fuck is dwen-day or whatever?”

 

“Art, or really any form of beauty, that evokes heightened emotional response. I figured you’d have figured it out from context.”

 

“Well then,” Dave says after a long pause, “your book? Your book is packin’ hella duende.”

 

It’s the highest compliment you’ve ever received from him, but you can’t let him know that.

 

Instead, you respond, “Did you seriously say ‘hella’?”

 

“Don’t even hate.”

 

“It made me think of your work. I wept when they dropped the nanchos, Dave.” (You can’t keep a straight face saying that. You try anyway.)

 

“Let’s put that as a testimonial for the first Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff movie,” Dave muses. “‘I wept when they dropped the nanchos,’ raves Rose Lalonde, AKA Dave Strider’s sister.”

 

“I expect a cut of the royalties.”

 

“Duh. You know, I based the beautiful wonan off of you. Before you were, like, my sister or anything.”

 

“Are you implying that incest remains a taboo in the glorious universe of Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff?”

 

“Nah. Just that I used to pop boners every time we’d talk on webcam and was briefly disappointed when you confided to me that you thought you might be gay.”

 

You grimace. “I really did not need to know that.”

 

“Well, now you do.”

 

“I presume these incestuous feelings are gone by now?”

 

He lays a hand on your shoulder.

  
“Rose, once you pop a boner for your sister, you never go back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, duende is one of my favorite words in _any_ language. Just sayin'. :)


	30. Make Him Pay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Past!Damara <3 Rufioh, Damara & Rufioh
> 
> 悪因悪果, akuin akka, (Japanese) Literally: Evil cause, evil effect. Meaning: You reap what you sow.

Damara’s first thought upon finding out was that it was her fault.

 

Rufioh would find her lying nude in a bloody ablution trap, long gashes carved from her elbows to her palms, semi-conscious, and all she could do as he bandaged her self-inflicted wounds was mutter a quiet apology in stilted West Beforan--she’d been trying so hard to learn, to impress him, but her accent was still so thick and she couldn’t wrap her head around all the grammatical rules. Was that why he’d chosen Horuss over her, she wondered?

 

Was she not smart enough?

 

Was she not pretty enough?

 

Was she not a good enough sexual partner?

 

For the first few perigees of her recovery, she could barely feel her hands. Eventually some sensation returned, but her wrists--particularly her left one, her dominant hand--suffered permanent nerve damage. It was so long before she could even hold her wands properly again, much less a pen or pencil. Hell, even typing had become difficult.

 

Given the influx of messages she’d received ever since trying to kill herself (she’d barely left her hive, much less her land--she didn’t want to risk running into Rufioh), this was a problem.

 

CC: M-EGIDO

CC: get your lazy coddamn ass out of your hive for once

CC: cod maybe it woulda been better if youd just managed to krill yourshellf properly

CC: propearly?

CC: fuck it

CC: no wonder nitram left you

 

As the words flashed on her husktop’s screen, she managed to peck out a response, even as her eyes blurred with tears.

 

AA: GO AWAY.

AA: I NOT WANT TALK TO YOU.

CC: sea T)(IS is what i mean

CC: you aint been willin to talk to nomoby

CC: cant even undersand you when you do talk though so maybe thats just as whale

AA: I HATE YOU.

AA: YOU BEHIND THIS. YES?

CC: nah im not behind ruf fuckin the horse guy

CC: maybe he just left you because youre a shitty person

AA: NO.

AA: HE SAY HE LOVE ME.

CC: )(-E LI-ED

CC: cod get it through your thick skull

CC: he never loved you

CC: how the fuck could he

 

-

 

To say she grew bitter was an understatement.

 

Rufioh had barely spoken to her or even messaged her since the incident. Neither had anyone else, for that matter. The only exception was Meenah, and that was solely to rub things in her face.

 

She couldn’t stand it. She couldn’t stand any of it. How could she have been so gullible, so naive? How the _fuck_ had she been so blind as to not see that he didn’t love her?

 

There was no doubt in her mind anymore. None of them cared about her, and she had no reason to care about them either.

 

Damara gripped her wands in her weak, half-numb hands. She would show them, all of them, but especially _him_.

  
She would make him pay.


	31. Shipping Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta/Sollux
> 
> "Buonanotte al secchio," Italian for "goodnight to the bucket." It rounds out to "and that's that," or to be done with something.

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

 

TA: hey np.

TA: ii need your help on 2omethiing.

AC: :33 < *ac looks up from her very important painting of her and her meowrail, hissing slightly at the inpurruption!*

TA: ehehe, ii 2ee youre bu2y then.

TA: iit2 ju2t that ii need adviice.

TA: on my quadrant2.

AC: :33 < well why didnt you say so???

AC: :33 < i would pawsitively love to help with that!

AC: :33 < *ac puts her lovely painting aside and turns her attention to her shipping wall*

TA: yeah, kk wa2 telliing me youre 2urprii2iingly good at fiiguriing out who end2 up wiith who.

TA: whiich ii gue22 make2 2en2e 2iince you and eq are liike the only 2table and happy quadrantmate2 on the fuckiing planet, but whatever.

AC: :33 < h33 h33, im sure were not the ONLY ones, but okay!

AC: :33 < so you want my opinion on who you should date?

TA: yeah.

TA: 2ee, ii kiind of have a thiing for aa. a flu2hed thiing.

AC: :33 < oh noooooo :((

TA: what.

AC: :33 < nothing, its just that equius kind of does too and hed purrobably be purretty upset if he found out she was dating someone else!

TA: well that2 hii2 problem.

TA: ii ju2t want to know iif you thiink iitd work out.

AC: :33 < you would be pawsitively adorable together!

AC: :33 < im just a bit biased i suppaws, h33 h33

TA: yeah no 2hiit.

AC: :33 < you and fefurry would make a purretty cute couple too, have you thought about courting her?

AC: :33 < although im not sure if the empurress to be is allowed to date a landdweller :((

AC: :33 < seadwellers are so picky!

TA: well ii wa2nt planniing on a2kiing her out anyway, but thanks.

AC: :33 < actually i could just send you my file of shipping notes...

AC: :33 < after all theres more to romance than just the flushed quadrant!

AC: :33 < i mean i mostly deal in that and pale but still!

TA: 2ure, why not.

[AC sent the file "pawlluxships.doc" to TA]

TA: goddamn, np.

TA: iim hone2tly kiind of iimpre22ed by your dediicatiion here.

TA: 2o you thiink tz and ii would make good moiiraiils?

TA: ii gue22 ii can 2ee that.

AC: :33 < h33 h33, that one s33ms purretty obvious to me! :33

TA: youre actually good at thii2, damn.

TA: kk wa2 riight.

AC: :33 < so thats that?

TA: yeah ii 2uppo2e 2o.

AC: :00 < oh!

AC: :33 < i do have one t33nsy little request

AC: :33 < can you tell karcat that i really appurreciate him recommending my services?

TA: ehehe, 2ure thiing.

TA: later, np.

AC: :33 < s33ya!

  
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]


	32. Hangover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cronus/Roxy/Eridan/Rose
> 
> Zapoi (Russian)
> 
> Two or more days of drunkenness usually involving a journey or waking up in an unexpected place.


	33. Lemon-Stealing Whores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade♠Vriska
> 
> AU where Jade grows prize lemon trees and Vriska is a wily lemon thief.

“Boy, I sure do love our lemon tree!”  
  
Jade Harley, award-winning lemon-grower and owner-slash-cultivator of the most beautiful lemon tree in all the land, smiled broadly, her buck teeth showing. Her faithful dog Becquerel stood at her side, and together, they stared at the beautiful lemons and the tree on which they grew.  
  
“Bark,” said Bec.  
  
“I just hope none of those whores come to steal our lemons,” Jade mused. “I mean, this neighborhood  _does_  have a bit of a lemon whore problem. Fuck those lemon-stealing whores!”  
  
Jade had no clue that she would soon encounter one of those awful, terrible lemon-stealing whores. Very soon, in fact.  
  
Bec whined, and Jade gave him a loving pat on the head. “Wow, it’s been at least ten seconds since I looked at our lemon tree,” she noted. But as she turned her head towards the tree, she saw...her.  
  
Vriska Serket, renowned lemon-stealing whore and kingpin (queenpin?) of the local underground lemon market, was plucking lemons from the tree and shoving them into her fishnet bodysuit.  
  
“GET THE FUCK BACK HERE, YOU LEMON-STEALING WHORE!” Jade shouted, grabbing her by the hair. “I didn’t give you permission to take those lemons! Give them back!”  
  
“Maaaaaaaake me,” Vriska taunted.  
  
“Oh, I’ll make you,” Jade growled, as her free hand moved towards Vriska’s breast, causing the lemon whore to moan. Vriska dropped the lemon she’d been holding, and it rolled towards Bec, who promptly began burying it, as dogs are wont to do.  
  
“I’ll make you,” Jade repeated. “With  _sex_.”  
  
The lemon gardener pulled the whore into a kiss, biting at her lower lip. Vriska, for her part, immediately gave in, because this entire story operates on porno logic. (Although in fact, that had been Vriska’s plan all along--to take Jade’s virginity. The wonderful lemons were just a happy bonus.)  
  
Jade ripped off Vriska’s bodysuit--which, considering the material, wasn’t much of a feat. With her free hand, she removed her skirt and Squiddle-print panties.  
  
“Now, Miss Lemon-Stealing Whore,” Jade hissed. “This is the part where you eat me out.”  
  
“Wait,” Vriska interrupted. “So I don’t get anything out of--MMPH!” Jade pushed the whore’s head into her lady bits, smirking.  
  
“Bitch, that’s what you get for stealing my lemons.”  
  
Vriska began licking at Jade’s clit, but she only did figure eights, because she’s Vriska. “Vary it up a bit, fuckass!” Jade ordered, smashing her cunt against Vriska’s face.  
  
She complied, and Jade shuddered in orgasm. Of course, Vriska passed out shortly thereafter from being smothered by Jade’s pussy, but given her crimes against horticulture, Jade didn’t really give a fuck.  
  
She had discovered something new that day. Something shocking.  
  
Sex, she discovered, was even better than lemons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is based on an actual porno.
> 
> seriously.


	34. Weakquius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EquiusNepeta
> 
> AU where Equius is WEAK.

 


	35. Gothstuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose/Aradia/Kanaya
> 
> Teenage goth girls Rose and Aradia are fascinated by anything witchy, ghosty, occulty or otherwise supernatural, so imagine their interest and joy when they start suspecting that a Very Real Vampire is living next door.


	36. Art School Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanaya<3Vriska
> 
> Art school AU. Kanaya is a fashion major, Vriska's in game development/animation. Vriska is the reluctant but beautiful model for a project.

“Ugh, do I  _have_  to model for you tonight, Kanaaaaaaaaya?”  
  
Kanaya Maryam, fashion major and straight-A student, glanced over at her girlfriend--Vriska Serket, game design major, professional slacker, and (if Kanaya was honest with herself) her muse.   
  
“Yes, you absolutely do. I have to submit five photographs of the dress I created--the one, I might add, that is tailored to fit your exact measurements--by Friday. And it’s Wednesday now, so I haven’t very long. The dress took longer than anticipated, and--”  
  
“Oh my God, Maryam!” Vriska threw her hands up in the air, swiveling around in her chair. “I have, like, a  _fuckton_  of work to do on my 3D modeling project, okay? I’ve been soooooooo busy, I’ve barely even started the damn thing!”  
  
“Vriska, you have spent the past few weeks partying and playing League of Legends. That hardly qualifies as an excuse for not having finished your project.”  
  
Vriska huffed, blowing a strand of blue hair out of her face. “It’s not  _my_  fault that Maya is a fucking bitch of a program.”  
  
“It  _is_  your fault that you haven’t bothered to seek tutoring or any other form of assistance.”  
  
“...Fine. Whatever. Where’s the fucking dress so we can get this little fashion show on the road?”  
  
-  
  
Vriska had to admit, it was a lovely dress. Not something she’d normally wear, but she had to at least admire her girlfriend’s vision and craftsmanship.  
  
“I used a cerulean chiffon for the skirt, and a sort of navy satin for the bodice, with teal lace...”  
  
“Cerulean? Navy? Teal? You’re so fucking pretentious, Kanaya.  _It’s fucking blue_.”  
  
Kanaya facepalmed.  
  
“Just get in the dress.”  
  
Muttering a variety of unrepeatable words under her breath, Vriska stepped into the dress, allowing Kanaya to zip her up (“ _Fuck_  back zippers!”, she complained). She even slipped her feet into the blue ( _cornflower_ , Kanaya would no doubt insist) high heels Kanaya had purchased to go with the outfit--a perfect size 8, and surprisingly comfortable.  
  
Actually, the whole outfit was fairly comfortable. And when Vriska caught a glimpse of herself in Kanaya’s full-length mirror, she gasped.  
  
She wasn’t normally one for fashion, but damn. It flattered her figure--slender and a bit androgynous--perfectly, and even managed to make her look like she was actually the proud owner of a pair of actual tits.  
  
“I have never felt so sexy in my life,” she stammered.  
  
“Well,” Kanaya replied with a smirk, “maybe once you’re done posing for me, I can make you feel even sexier. I’m sure that dress would look even better on the floor.”  
  
“God, Kanaya, when did you get so  _smooth_?”  
  
Kanaya simply laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually went to art school for a while so i really hope i captured the sheer agony of being an art student


	37. sweet bro and hello jeff in………………...CRIMANAL MINDS AND BEHAIVOR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sweet bro/hella jeff
> 
> correctional officers in a prison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE NO REGRETS

it was a TUESDAY and sweet bro and hella jeff where at there job working at GAY BABBY JAIL

“god DAMN” sweat bro said “these criminils are TRASH”

 

helpful jeff noded in agreemant. “i cannot fucking BELIEVE what that doushe has DONE” he sade pointign at a FAT NASTY TRASH in the sell they were standing next too

  
  


(the fat naste trash wass there because he sold HEROINE…………………..)

  
  
  
  


“ANYWAY” halal jeff added “this jorb is SO LAME and im BOARD……..we shuld hav HOT SEX to passe the TIME..”

“bro that IS SO GAY and your a FAGOT” sheet bro exclammed

 

but hell jeff just wispered “its not gaey if its in a……………...THR3E WAY”

  
  
  
  
  


suddenly bros HOT MOM appared and brow and jef both god BONNERS

  
  
  


they where ROCK DUCKING SOLID also bros mom was nakked and had a relly nice body with big bobs and evrything……….and a HOT AS

  
  
  
  


swet bro though the threeway was an EXELENT idea and gave hola jeff a FIST BUNP becose they were BESR FRENDS who were also a little bit gay mabey but then jeoff sad “no homoe” and it stoped being gay………

  
  


bro tour off his paints and JEFF did the sam

“WOW bro yuo have a GREAT COKE” bro noted

 

“i kno” jeff replayed “but youres is EVEN GRATER”

  
  
  
  


sweet bore put his DIKE in hella jefreys BUTTHOLE and holla jeff put his BOENHER in moms ass too  
“shit. this is like a fuckin CONGA LINE” (that was sweet broa by the way)

“hell yea” hecka jeff sed “but we need some SICK JAMS to have are conga lien”

  
  
  
  


thats wen the newd frend…………………...GEROMY apeared with a bomb box and played mombo numbe five and the MOCKARENA

  
  
  


it was SO SEXE taht brose dick exploded and the HOLE JAIL was filled with seamen

 

and they made mom SQUART so that was also their two

“jesus dick.” jeff laffed “where gonna fuckin DYE hear……..”

  
  
  


but then a HUGE ELELEPHANT bust thru the prinson gaytes and sucked up al the fluids with its WIERD NOSE

  
  
  
  


“wow thanks elefant”

“yeh that was a MAJOR bro moev”

  
  
  


butt gae baby jail………..was never the same………………………………….

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


becase they QUITE there jobs on accunt of it beeing 2 HTO 2 HANDEL

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


(they work at a gas staton now and their still super homo)

  
  
  
THE NED………... _OR IS IT????????????????????????????//_


	38. Destroy The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damara&Meenah  
> You already changed the past:
> 
> Someone goes back in time to discover that the "changes" they're making to the past were what "already" happened anyway. A self-correcting, deterministic universe apparently thwarts any changes to the future which would deter them from going back in the first place.

Your name is Damara Megido, and you can fix this. You can go back, you can stop Rufioh from leaving you and get Meenah to leave you alone and _you can fix this._  
  
 **> REVERSE**  
  
You are barely in the game, but you are the same you that you were--are?--in the future, armed with all the knowledge that entails.  
  
You’re still a scared young girl. You haven’t grown bitter, not yet. You won’t for a while.   
  
You don’t know you will. You don’t  _think_  you will.  
  
Social skills have never been your forte, so you simply pull out your phone and--  
  
“Hey, Megidork.”  
  
You turn around, and there she is. Meenah Peixes, your tormentor, the thorn in your side.  
  
“Go away,” you say slowly, trying your best to suppress your accent. “I not want. Talk to you.”  
  
“Oh my COD, Megido, you sound horibubble. But what else is new? You really need to work on how to talk good, no one can undersand a coddamn word ya say.”  
  
“Rufioh can.”  
  
Meenah laughs, a hysterical cackle. “You  _still_  think he gives a shit, don’t you?”  
  
“He love me. He say so. Why he lie about that? I...I trust him.”  
  
“Girl, you don’t know jack shit about what he’s been doing.”  
  
You freeze.  
  
It’s already begun.  
  
 **> REVERSE**  
  
You’re in Rufioh’s hive now. It’s a small, humble place, full of troll anime merch and DVDs, and it smells like  **him**  and you relax, because you are safe here.  
  
“Hey, doll.”  
  
“Hello, Rufioh.” You smile broadly. “I come here to surprise you. I...I getting better at West Beforan! You very good teacher. I want to show off.” You look down at your shoes. “I sorry if that sound...what the word? Conceited?”  
  
He grins. “You’re doing great...you’re a good student!”  
  
You hug him and feel so safe in his arms, so happy, like nothing will ever be wrong again. That is, until you hear a thundering knock on the door.  
  
You know it’s Horuss. Only he could knock that hard.   
  
“What Horuss doing here?” you ask, playing dumb. “I kind of scared of him.”  
  
“Oh...we were just gonna hang out today, doll. Can’t really cancel...he’d get so upset!”  
  
“He not your matesprit,” you say.  
  
But you know better.  
  
 _It’s already begun._  
  
You can’t change this. You’ve been too clingy, too weak. All you can change is yourself.  
  
 **> GO FORWARD**  
  
“Meenah.”  
  
Meenah turns heel, and laughs. “What do you want, beach?”  
  
You look up at her with a hardened expression. You won’t take her shit anymore.  
  
“I know what you do,” you begin. “You bully me. You help get Rufioh to fuck horse guy. You ruin my life.”   
  
Your fists clench. “I not gonna take this anymore,” you continue. “I try change things. It not work. So I change me instead.”  
  
Punching her is the most satisfying thing you’ve ever done.


	39. Suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aradia/Damara
> 
> Creepy Child: Aradia looks sweet, innocent, even angelic, but there's something not quite right about her. She's too calm, too knowing. She's not really a child.

You pretty much live at the hospital these days.  
  
It’s been three months since the accident. Your boss seems to pity you--she put you on paid leave shortly after finding out. That much, you’re grateful for.  
  
Today is different.  
  
“Hey, Aradia. Happy thirteenth. I know how excited you were, so I got you a present.” You unwrap the box yourself, pulling the contents out--an ornate pocketwatch, engraved with a ram’s skull, that she’d been eyeing for ages. “I know you really wanted this, so I saved up. It works, too. It works really good.”  
  
You sigh, touching your sister’s cold hand. “Your friends are gonna swing by later, I think. They’ve been visiting a lot. Especially Tavros and Sollux. I think Sollux has a crush on you, actually…”  
  
You trail off as your gaze drifts towards her face.  
  
Her eyes are open. She hasn’t opened them since January.  
  
-  
  
It’s been two weeks since she truly regained consciousness, and there’s something wrong with her. Her voice is a quiet monotone, her face perpetually expressionless. She barely smiles anymore; when she does, it’s faint.  
  
This isn’t the Aradia you practically raised. That Aradia was energetic and cheery and stubborn. This...this is just a shadow.  
  
Her friends have all visited, of course. She’s terribly polite with them. (She’s terribly polite with  _everyone_  these days, of course.) They’ve all expressed frustration, sadness, anger, and when Tavros admits to her that he misses how she used to be, you just nod in agreement.  
  
-  
  
She doesn’t get better.  
  
You realize she never will around Halloween. It had always been her favorite holiday, but she can’t muster up the slightest bit of enthusiasm. You’re not sure if she’s trying or not.  
  
You’re not sure which would be sadder.  
  
She  _scares_  you, more than any horror movie monster or vengeful spirit or drunken, angry mother ever could, and you can tell everyone else feels the same, that the emptiness in her eyes sends shivers down the spines of everyone who sees her. It’s like the accident took away her soul.  
  
And you can’t handle that. You can’t handle Aradia--the one person you still care for in the world, the one member of your family you still love--being like this.  
  
When you see her sitting primly on the couch, watching what was once her favorite comedy without a hint of a smile, you make up your mind on what to do.  
  
-  
  
You turn yourself in the next morning.  
  
She was surprisingly easy to kill. Maybe it was because she was asleep when you smothered her, or because you’re bigger than she was. If she ever woke up during your attack, she didn’t show it.  
  
“It was a mercy killing,” you tell the police. “She was suffering.”  
  
But in the end, that was a half-truth at best.  
  
It was you who suffered.


	40. 2SP00KY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humanstuck! Dave♥Ghostly!Karkat   
> Dave Aradia
> 
> Trope: Teenagers messing with a Ouija board on Halloween night.  
> Dave buys a Ouija board and convinces Aradia that they should totes mess with it for shits 'n giggles, despite her protests ('cause that stuff will haunt you). To their surprise, their supernatural encounter is very interesting more so than scary...But mostly interesting for Dave because he is a dork.
> 
> (NOTE: I switched Dave and Aradia's roles, with the requester's permission.)

“Hey, Dave, guess what I brought!”  
  
Dave glanced up at Aradia, who was holding up a box. “It’s a ouija board!” she continued. “I’ve had it in my closet for ages, but I haven’t used it in so long...and it’s Halloween, so why not use it?”  
  
“Fuck no, ‘Dia. I’ve seen enough horror movies to know what that shit does. Two teens playing with a ouija board on Halloween night? Recipe for disaster, yo.”  
  
Aradia pouted. “Dave, I know enough about the occult to feel totally secure in this, okay? It’s just a parlor game from the late 1800s, it’s not actually dangerous. Please, just humor me for once, okay?”  
  
Dave muttered, “You’ve got me so fuckin’ whipped.”  
  
“Does that apply to platonic relationships?”  
  
“Totally, man. In your case, anyway.”  
  
“Well, if it helps, you’re more like a little brother to me than anything else. So I guess it could apply. You know, the whole older-sibling-dragging-their-younger-sibling-into-their-schemes thing.” She grinned. “Anyway, we’re doing this, okay?”  
  
“Fine, whatever, but don’t blame me when things inevitably go horribly wrong.”  
  
Aradia opened the box, setting the board and planchette down on the floor. Then she pulled a pair of black pillar candles and a lighter from her bag, set one candle on either side of the board, and moved to light them.  
  
“Yo, Megido, I get that you’re all about atmosphere and shit like that, but the rental agreement says we’re not allowed to light candles in this apartment, and I’d really rather not get evicted. Not being homeless is  _great_ , I’d highly recommend it.”  
  
“I’m  _not_  homeless, I live four blocks from here.”  
  
“Yeah, in the shittiest building in the city. There’s a  _reason_  we always hang out at my place, y’know.”  
  
“Just shut up and let me start this. Can you turn out the lights? Or at least dim ‘em a bit? Maybe just leave one of those little lamps on.”  
  
“Fine, fine. Anything for you, m’lady,” Dave replied with an exaggerated bow. Aradia giggled.  
  
“You’re so impossible.”  
  
The preparations having been made, the game--if it could be called that--began. The two friends sat on either side of the board, as per the instructions, and Aradia moved the planchette slightly, warming it up.  
  
“Are you sure you’re not just gonna move it yourself and spell out a bunch of dick jokes?”  
  
“First off, that’s something  _you_  would do, and second, shhhhh.”  
  
And then the planchette practically jumped from beneath Aradia’s fingers, spelling things out completely on its own.  
  
 _“WHAT THE FUCK”_  
  
“Um.” Aradia paused before continuing. “Who is this?”  
  
 _“WHAT THE TAINTCHAFING HELL IS GOING ON”_  
  
“‘Dia, this is freaking me the fuck out,” Dave whispered. “This shit isn’t supposed to  _work_.”  
  
Aradia ignored him, asking instead, “No, really, who  _are_  you? We’re really curious!”  
  
 _“FUCK YOU SO HARD”_  
  
“Oh my God, can you just come out and tell us your name or something?” Aradia pleaded, exasperated.  
  
And then, out of the blue, he appeared.  
  
A boy, around their age, with black hair, tan skin, and brown eyes. His features were rounded, his figure short and a bit pudgy, his expression annoyed at the very least.  
  
“Oh shit,” Dave muttered. “He’s hot.”  
  
“Okay, shitlords. My name is Karkat Vantas, and I am more pissed than I’ve ever been. I was just relaxing in the afterlife and you fucking teenagers pulled me out of that? What the fuck!”  
  
“Oh, come on, Karkat, you can’t be much older than us!” Aradia cocked her head to the side. “Maybe a bit younger, even. How old were you when you died?”  
  
“Fifteen, if you absolutely  _must_  know. And since you’re  _clearly_  going to ask me anyway, it was cancer. Leukemia. There, that’s my goddamn life story. Happy now?”  
  
Aradia smiled. “Yeah, actually! Thanks for visiting!”  
  
“Wait, wait.” Dave clapped a hand over Aradia’s mouth, eliciting some muffled protests on her end. “Got a burning question here. More burning than the fire in my loins right now, because  _goddamn_.”  
  
Aradia rolled her eyes, but Karkat just stared.  
  
“So, Karkat--and I don’t know who the fuck names their kid  _Karkat_ , but who cares, I mean, Aradia’s got a weird-ass name too. You single?”  
  
The ghost’s jaw dropped. “What the fuck kind of question is that? Of course I’m single, I’m fucking  _dead_!”  
  
“Okay, cool. Meet me at that hipster coffee shop on Front Street at 5 PM tomorrow. Seeya there, babe.”  
  
Aradia, meanwhile, had pulled out her phone and dialed a friend--one who’d no doubt be  _extremely_  pleased to hear about this development.  
  
“Hey, Nepeta? I think you need to update your shipping wall.”


	41. Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terezi<3Vriska
> 
> Stepford Smiler: The Stepford Smiler is a person whose happy, public face is less than such in reality. The person's real personality can be Depressed, Empty, or outright Insane; it really depends on the situation, but the point is that their outward projection is a stark contrast to the inward.

Your name is Terezi Pyrope, and you’re fine.  
  
Really. You’re fine. You really are. Seriously.  
  
You had to kill Vriska. It wasn’t what you’d  _wanted_  to do but it was necessary, completely necessary to the preservation of the timeline and your own life and Karkat’s life and  _everyone’s_  life and...fuck, you really wish you hadn’t had to kill her.  
  
But you did. You did what you needed to do, and...and that’s fine. Right?   
  
So what if you can’t sleep anymore?   
  
So what if you’ve taken to getting wasted on Faygo on a daily basis?  
  
So what if you’re hate-fucking Gamzee, even though he always goes a bit too far with everything?  
  
So what if you’re spending nights locked in your meteor respiteblock dressed in your old FLARPing outfit, looking through pictures from the good old days on your husktop?  
  
So what if you didn’t hate her as much as you convinced yourself you did?  
  
So what if you maybe--just maybe--actually loved her, just a little bit? Maybe more than a little bit?  
  
You.  
  
Had.  
  
To.  
  
Kill.  
  
Vriska.  
  
Serket.  
  
End of story.   
  
It’s become your mantra, the thing that helps you sleep when the Faygo isn’t enough. It was part of the alpha timeline, and so it had to be done, because if you hadn’t killed her you would have doomed your timeline, your friends, yourself. Everything you know and love would be irrevocably deleted from existence. Gone forever, just like that.  
  
You meet Aranea in the dreambubbles after passing out drunk one day. It’s all been wearing on you, and you confess to her--a total stranger, someone who can’t really judge you--that you’re conflicted on the whole thing.  
  
(But you’re fine. Really.)  
  
When you fuck Gamzee later that day he chokes you so hard that you pass out, and when Karkat sees you lying on the padded mating platform, dazed and half-awake with a badly bruised throat, he asks you if you’re okay, and you say yes.  
  
You are okay. You are fine.  
  
Dave finds out about the Gamzee thing sooner or later and tells you that he can’t do this, that this quadrant shit is just too weird for him. You tell him, smiling through the tears, that you understand if he wants to leave you.  
  
(And he does leave you. But that’s fine.)  
  
Every time you fuck Gamzee he tells you about how awful you are. “You’re just some stupid blind cunt who can’t even kill a motherfucker without getting all weepy,” he tells you one time.  
  
“Maybe if your ugly-ass eyes worked you could all up and see what a worthless fucker you are.”  
  
“If you’re all jazzed about justice, go find your motherfucking gallows and execute yourself like you’re one of your motherfuckin’ stuffed dragons.”  
  
You try to once, writing “1M JUST GO1NG TO 4POLOG1Z3 TO VR1SK4 OV3R TH1S WHOL3 M3SS” on a piece of paper and leaving it outside Karkat’s door before you tie the noose around your neck and kick back the stool.  
  
He finds you as you’re about to lose consciousness and cuts you down with his sickle, screaming at you, asking you how you could do something like that, telling you that he doesn’t care what you tell him,  _you are not fine_ , but you just slap him and crawl off, curling up in the nearest pile and, for the first time in so long, falling asleep instantly.  
  
You don’t smell Vriska anywhere, but you’d recognize the blueberry-and-vanilla scent of Aranea’s dress anywhere by now, and when she asks if you’ve made your decision, you just say yes.  
  
You open your eyes and she’s gone, but the dreambubble is bright and vivid and clear, and you still don’t smell-- _see_ \--Vriska but you know she’s still dead.  
  
She’s dead and you killed her, and nothing is the same anymore.  
  
Your name is Terezi Pyrope, and fuck it, you are  _not_  fine.  
  
And maybe you never will be.


	42. Poorer Every Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tavros/&Aradia
> 
> "Because alienation's for the rich  
> And I'm a feelin' a poor-er every day."  
> \- Alienation's For The Rich, They Might Be Giants

You’ve lived in the trailer next to the Nitrams’ for longer than you can remember, and you’re pretty sure you and Tavros connected instantly. He’s been your best friend for so long, your only real confidant.  
  
And yet there’s still so much you can’t tell him.  
  
It’s the summer before your sophomore year. The temperatures are record-breakingly high; the humidity, insane. And you’re still wearing the same baggy sweatshirts and oversized jeans you wore in the winter, even as you sit outside in the oppressively hot sun.  
  
Dirt-poor as your family is, you do own a few articles of summer clothing. A few t-shirts and tank tops, and at least one pair of shorts. But you won’t wear them--not around your mom, and definitely not around Tavros.  
  
You can’t let him see how it affected you. You can’t even let him know what happened.  
  
All you really remember of the incident was waking up on the floor of Vriska Serket’s fancy-pants mansion with a pounding headache, bruised and bleeding from places you’d rather forget about, with no recollection of the previous night. You think you were at a party.   
  
You’re not sure why you went. You wish you hadn’t, because even just after waking up you were able to piece together what had happened.  
  
You never found out who did it. You have your suspicions, from the way he looks at you every time you pass him as walk through the halls at school, from the things you overheard every day in homeroom, from the notes left in your locker.   
  
But who would believe you? You’re just poor trailer trash with a prostitute for a mom and a sister who decided she couldn’t take life anymore, and his family has more than enough clout to let him get away with whatever he felt like doing.  
  
It doesn’t matter, though. Not much does anymore--you just have to get through things one day at a time.  
  
“Aradia?”  
  
You whip your head around, Tavros’ cracking voice bringing you out of your slight stupor. “Hey, Tav,” you say quietly, unable to meet his eyes. You just stare at his feet, at his shriveled legs and crappy excuse for a wheelchair.   
  
Things haven’t been easy for him lately, either. Not since the “accident” that broke his spine.   
  
As if it were really an accident.  
  
“I was just, uh, wondering if you were doing okay? You’ve been all...quiet.”  
  
“I’m fine,” you lie.  
  
“I’m, uh, not sure that this is what they’d call sweater weather.”  
  
You simply shrug.  
  
“L-look, I’m just...really worried? You don’t seem like, uh, you.”  
  
Fuck, you think you might be crying. “Go away,” you mutter.  
  
“No.”  
  
“I said go away! I need some time to myself, okay?” Wow, you didn’t mean to blow up like that, shit. He looks so hurt, but you can’t bring yourself to say anything more, not even as he wheels himself away.  
  
Your name is Aradia Megido, and you’re feeling poorer every day. Not monetarily, no. You’ve always been poor in that regard.  
  
No, you just think that somewhere along the line, you began to lose yourself. And you wonder, looking at Tavros wheeling himself away, if maybe he’s been feeling the same.  
  
When you’re sure he’s out of earshot, you finally let the tears fall.


	43. For The Bible Tells Me So

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Biblethumper!Beta Bro♥Anyone
> 
> Fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus!
> 
> \- I love Jesus, a "Christian" music video.
> 
> (I made it a sibling relationship instead tho)

“Yo, Bro, guess what.”  
  
Dirk Strider, better known to most as “Dave Strider’s uber-religious older brother,” looked up from his Bible. “This had better be important, kiddo,” he drawled. “Tryin’ to brush up on my scripture here.”  
  
“I’d say scoring a hot date with a beautiful wonan counts as important.”  
  
“What the fuck’s a wonan? That sounds like devil speak, boy.”  
  
“What? I meant woman. As in, you know, female human. I ain’t talkin’ about summoning a demon, that shit would be dumb as hell.”  
  
“Watch your fuckin’ language.”  
  
“Sorry. Anyway, you know that Harley chick?”  
  
Ah, yes. Dirk knew her, or at least knew of her. He knew her grandpa, at least--Jake Harley, light of his life, fire of his loins. He knew loving him was a sin, but addiction is a powerful thing, and he was addicted to that ass.  
  
But that’s irrelevant.  
  
“What about her?”  
  
“We’re going on a date tonight. Gonna see a shitty movie for ironic purposes and then go back to her place.”  
  
He paused, before adding, “Do you have any condoms? Because, you know, John was asking about those. He be huntin’ for the pussy, yo.”  
  
Dirk strode--YES, I WENT THERE--up to his brother, a look of pure murder in his eyes. “Now listen here, kid,” he growled. “You are NOT allowed to fuck Jade. Not in her growler, anyway. That’s a sin and you’ll go to hell, both of ya.”  
  
“Her what.”  
  
“Dave, do you love Jesus?”  
  
“Dude, I am ALL ABOUT that guy. Gotta love Jesus, man.”  
  
“If you really love Jesus,” Dirk hissed, “you won’t fuck her in her growler. Fuck her in the ass if you love Jesus, kiddo.”  
  
Dave tried to wrap his head around this.  
  
Dave failed miserably.  
  
“Okay. So to recap, anal is cool in God’s eyes so long as it’s, like,  _hetero_  anal. Yo, Bro, is God okay with pegging?”  
  
“David Jesus Joshua Joseph Ezekiel Mary Magdalene Strider, it is NEVER okay for a man to take it up the butt. It is an ABOMINATION.”  
  
“I thought that was the full homo. I mean, I’m pretty sure Jade’s a chick? She has boobs and everything. Really great boobs, actually. Like, bitch is at least a D-cup, probably.”  
  
Dirk wished he could get a boner about that. He really did. That might mean he was not a homosexual, and that the whole thing with Jake was...just a fluke. A mistake, one he could repent for with a metric fuckton of prayer.   
  
But no, his dick remained limp as an overcooked noodle.  
  
“If I find out you and that Harley girl did the full sex,” he muttered, face uncomfortably close to Dave’s, “it’s totally okay for me to stone you to death.”  
  
“Alright, cool. Gonna totally avoid any vaginas. Shh, only assholes now.”  
  
Dirk grinned. “That’s my boy.”


	44. Ode To Bromance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Equius/Brobot with optional Equius/Dirk and/or Equius/Hal
> 
> Bromance + Comedy Of Errors"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally submitted this RIGHT as BR6 was ending, so it didn't count for points. I hope you enjoy it anyway!
> 
> And yes, they're proper Shakespearean sonnets. :P

There was a blueblood, name of Equius  
Who found himself caught in a rad bromance  
And Brobot, the recipient of this  
Emotion, was not sure how to advance  
A friendship into something redder yet.  
For Equius had feelings for a boy  
Named Dirk, a human who was just not het-  
erosexual, though that quite annoyed  
the troll, because he didn’t understand  
What gayness was, or how it manifests.  
But Brobot helped him, stood there, held his hand  
And Equius did try his very best  
To get the boy to love him back, but oh!  
The boy loved shades, not Equius, and so…  
  
Brobot took matters into his own hands.  
“My bro here loves you, you moronic fool!  
Why would you date a pair of glasses, man?  
You’re acting like a big enormous tool.”  
So Brobot, in his anger, did dress up  
As Dirk himself, not knowing that, in truth  
Young Equius had plans to fuck shit up  
Between the human and the shades--forsooth!  
For Equius had made a great disguise  
And now resembled eyeshades just like Hal.  
So when they went to crash the other guy  
And AR's date, they only met their pals.  
A comedy of errors, but alas  
You cannot tear a boy from tinted glass.


	45. WHO YA GONNA CALL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nic Cage is a ghost and John and Vriska have to SAVE THE DAY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm transferring the fics from A Series Of Unfortunate Vignettes to this collection. ORGANIZATION!

One day John and Vriska were MAKING OUT IN NIC CAGE'S BUSHES, and Nic Cage came out and was all “what the fuck are you doing here” but then Rose rode up on Maplehoof and trampled him and he died. Oh no!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” John screamed melodramatically. “NOW WE HAVE TO HUNT HIS GHOST.”

“Don't worry, John!!!!!!!! I can see ghoooooooosts.” That was Vriska, for those of you who can't count to eight.

Then they went inside the mansion and Nic Cage's ghost was like right there because he died like five feet from the entrance? John got out his Super Junior Ghostbusters Slime Pak TM and slimed the Nic Cage ghost and then the Nic Cage ghost vanished, as ghosts tend to do when slimed, as is my understanding.

Rose went off to be a lesbian with Kanaya while John and Vriska fucked RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

The end.


	46. Hans Von Homestuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SolAra written in the style of Hans Von Hozel.
> 
> Look him up.
> 
> Seriously, look him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Co-written with Gabu AKA my moirail AKA my BFFSY 4EVRZ, my words.

One day John was type on computer. Suddenly, trolls!

"All my Pesterchum is troll by Trolls!" say John, made a sadly.

Meanwhile, Karkat was a Veil and danubed over to Sollux. He was very mad. "Sollux! We stuck in Veil and you are being a crying!"

"But Karkat," Sollux cry, "My matesprite make a breakage!"

"Breakage can be fix!"

"But an explosion!"

"Soulbot release soul, Equius can be a makings of a new one."

"But Equius is a scare!" whine Sollux, made a sadly.

"EQUIUS, DON'T MAKE A SCARE WITH SOLLUX!"

"I AM NOT MAKE A SCARE!" shout Equius. "I AM MAKE A STRONG!"

"YOU MAKE A SMASHINGS WITH YOUR FISTS!" Sollux whine.

"I also make a buildings of robots!" add Equius.

"That is of a truthings," Sollux said. So Equius make a robot, but of the blue blood!

"Aradia shall not be of lowblood, is a highblood!"

"Oh no!" shout Sollux, as a lowblood too.

"Aradia is of my possessive!" Suddenly, Aradias!

"Hello of a Worlds!" she danubed.

"EQUIUS WANTS TO MAKING OF A BLUE-BLOODS!" exclaim Sollux at Aradia.

"EQUIUS, I WANTS TO MAKE OF A LOWBLOOD!"

"Maybe of a middleblood?" suggest Equius?

"YOU MAKE A BARGAIN OF THE HARD, BUT SURE WHY NOT." Sollux agreed.

"OF A LOWBLOOD!" shout Aradia, and make a blowings up of the Veil with her psychics.

THE END.


	47. HOMEFUCK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Possibly the worst thing that I'll ever post to this collection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have bipolar disorder type 2, and when I get hypomanic (look it up), these things happen:
> 
> 1\. I get lots of ideas. They are not always good ideas.  
> 2\. I make a lot of typos.  
> 3\. I do not correct my typos.
> 
> Other stuff too, but that's the main explanation for this fic.

HOMEFUCK STORY THE FIRST: THE TOUCHING (LOL GEDDIT) TALE OF KARKAT VANTAS, MALE PROSTITUTE

Once upon a time there was a troll named Karkat Vanstas and he filled buckets for momey. This was all despide him having candy red blood, which naturally translated into candy red jizz. One would assume this would bget him culled but it didtnt, so it's okay. Kartkat's pimp wasa Lord English, who was also the pimp of every whore in Homestuck, and all the characterrs are actually wores wo they were all lord English's prostitutes. Also they all lives on Alternia someow??? Even the humans lived on Alternia even though they were humans and canonicallyu from a different fucvking universe altogether, buy tt this is my kawaii au where yaoi happens so fuck youy.

ANDYWay there was this other hooker namned John which is iroinic because the guys who have sex with prostitutes are called johns. FORESHADOWING?????>??? And Karkat was in hot yaois witgh Johbn, but that weas a bad thing becaus as we all know from Homestuck and by esxtenstion every fanfic ever written about it that features John and Karkat in hot yapis, John is Not A Homosexual (TM). Karkar knew this was lies tho because he was watching John IN BED one night and Jon was totally making out with a Nic Cage body pillow and humping it and shit, and Nic Cage is a guy and John was omosexual for him.

DInce Jon was gay as fucj for Nidcolas Cage Karkat ficgured John might be gay for him too (him being Karkatw in this case obviously) so he went to Sollux who is the master of the ways of love because he has two girlfriends and maybe a hate boyfreind too.

"SOLLUX OW DO I FUCK JOGHN'S HOT BUT." jarkat asked Solluk.

But Sollux was too busy hafing sex with Aradia and Feferi at the same time to answer because i think that's actually all he ever does in this fanivfc, also he was coding or something at the same rtime because he's a ghacker and also he still fucked Aradia even though sge diesd because shes ghost. Feferi was an u nimportant enough character to answer though, so she was all like "give him some fish and he will love you 5evr". Karkat was all "oh okay" but Sollxu was piss because 5 is nbot a multiple of 2 and he therefore did not approve of hhe whoel 5evr meme.

Karkat then proceeded to kill eridan (A/N I DON'T LIKE ERTIDAN SO LOL) and give him to Jon because Eridan is like a fish, he has the BODY of a troll but the MIND of a fish, and also trhe gills and ability to breath underwater of a fish so maybe hse's a mertroll idk. John gasped at the sudden offering of fish because secrwtly john loves fish a whole lot, food-wise. Its a secret because when he was growiung up his dad wouldnt let him eat anything that wasnt' a cake and fish isnt' a cake unless its c rab cakes which it wasn't (AN IDK IF CRABAS ARE FISH). His last name is egbert because theres eggs in cake unless it's vegan. Ttrue stoory.

"katrat is tjis a romantic gesture or somethign" asked John.

"YES NOW LET'S YAOI" said Karkate!

And then they porked and Kark,at jizzed so hard that it show out John's mouth and killed im only it didn't kill him because jong is god tier and sex death isn't erroic or just. John came approxilately 413 trimess somehoiw.

"How can this be?" he wondered aout loud. "I an not a homosexualt!"

"Excep[t for me and Nick Cage" Karkat pointd outl.

"Oh right" John noted.

And then ythey hels each 0other ontul the syun came up even though the sun on alternai is bad tjey did it anyway.

END PART ONE


	48. The True Meaning Of Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A prompt exchange in four parts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another collab with Gabu!

**Prompt (Acey):**  baman/piderman yaois

 **Fill (Gabu):**  Once, Baman was makin out wif Piderman, and dey were both moanin and touching each udder’s pants parts and made dere hotdogs get hot and plump. So Piderman took out Bamans hotdog and began eating it, ‘cept he wasn’t biting or anyting, jus sucking on it. It made Baman moan and then hot cweam squirted from da hot dog into PIderman’s mouf. Den Baman took out Piderman’s hot dog and sucked on dat as well, and Piderman’s hotdog leaked out cweam as well! Den dey went to sweep in each others arms!

 

 **Prompt (Gabu):** Pantstuck, take it as you will.

 **Fill (Acey):**  One day, Vriska hauled her fat ass out of her recuperacoon and got dressed. The problem was that she had slept over at Kanaya's hive and, after a long day of sexing, lost her pants! So she grabbed a pair of Kanaya's ultra-fashionable slacks and tried to put them on, but her leg got stuck in them because it was, like, really big and Kanaya isn't fat. Kanaya despaired when she found out, and had to use SCISSORS to cut Vriska out of her beautiful pants. But the mention of scissors made her think of scissoring, so they fucked some more and all was forgiven. THE END.

 

**Prompt (Acey):** Anything about troll pop music.

**Fill (Gabu):**  Recently, Troll Rebecca Black made a pop music hit for all the fuckass wrigglers that was simply annoying to those who actually had a fucking thinkpan. Today is the Sixth Day of the Week and I Will be Reminding You of This Fact for The Next Three Minutes and Somewhere in my Song I'll Have A Rap Musician Come in and Help Out went straight to #1 on the Troll Music Charts. Troll Rebecca Black has since been culled.

 

**Prompt (Gabu):** Medibot/Pokecapn YAOI

**Fill (Acey):** One day, Medibot and Pokecapn were playing some shitty video game. "THIS GAME SUCKS, REMOVE YOUR PANTS," commanded Medibot. Pokecapn agreed because yaois are a better use of time than bad video games. AND THEN THEY PORKED AND IT WAS LIVESTREAMED TO THOUSANDS. OOPS.


	49. A Fic By Vriska, Age Two Sweeps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At two sweeps old, Vriska wrote a story.

im virska im to sweaps oild and i wroted this

ones there was a troll named vriosak serket and she was the gr8est trol because she wasa just liek mindfag only bigger and eight. she had a m8sprit naemd tarvos and he wuz rly cut and she loevd him. aradea was a bich tho beczue she was lowblod. terezy was vskras BEST FREND and they had lost of avengers togethar. 

1 day minefang poffed in fornt of vriska amnd sed "your gr8 and i want u to john my crew of pier8s" and viriska sad yea because piru 8s r cool. 

so vriksa got a cultass an a gr8 hat bcuz she was pir8 nao and they went off to the c togather but tavros wos sad bcuz he loievd vriska. vciska gave him a hug and a kis even tho boys hav cotties.

SUNDENLY ARADA CAM OVER AN TOOK TRAVOS AWAY THO BECASE SHES JERK. but vriska waz rly gr8 so shi stabded aradia with her cutlas an aradia dyed and taros sad "thanks for saving me visjwa" and vriska and him made out the edn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LET'S PLAY "FIND THE BLATANT SHOUT OUT TO THE SPIDERSES"


	50. HEY HONEY I'M HOME(STUCK)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan and Sollux do the full yaoi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for a WTFFanfiction contest.
> 
> I did not win.

Humanstuck!coffeeshop!college!superhero!AU!Eridan lay seductively on his bed, his throbbing member bulging in anticipation of Sollux's equally throbbing member.

  
Eridan's superpower of being intensely attractive and having a very large cock (AN: like in canon lol) was only really useful in the bedroom, but Sollux's psionic powers, amplified by mind honey, were only really useful for killing the fuck out of things. So when Sollux came in, naked as a newborn and holding a jar of mind honey, Eridan found himself befuddled.

 

"Sol," he asked, "w-why do you hawe the mind honey?"

 

"Becauthe I heard it maketh really amathing lube," the Gemini replied, wonking exsexily.

 

Sollux liberally smeared the mind honey on his man-sausage, and thrust himself eagerly into Eridan's waiting boy-cunt (AN: that means anus, obviously). Of course, he made sure to stimulate Eridan's throbbing beef truncheon as well, since his favorite part of homosexual intercourse was, of course, the presence of two dicks.

 

The mind honey, of course, overloaded Sollux's psionics, creating a pleasant tingling sensation and destroying the eastern wall of their shared dorm. "Oh w-well," Eridan sighed. "I'll just get my w-wealthy father to cower the expenses caused by your irresponsible choice in lubricant."

 

"Fuck you, ath-hole," Sollux grumbled. At this point, he remembered he was already fucking Eridan, so his point was moot. "Thit."

 

With a cry of "WWEH!" on Eridan's part and "BEETH!" on Sollux's, they came in unison, and Sollux pulled his fearsome lance from Eridan's delicate ass-flower.

 

And then they held each other until the sun came up.

 

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may note that "and then they held each other until the sun came up" pops up a lot in my joke fics. It's a Clone High ref.


	51. are my parents ever coming home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "God?"  
> "YES?"  
> "Are my parents ever coming home?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving the stuff from Softer over here too.

When he was little, he didn't understand why the other kids had mommies and daddies, and he just had Bro. Bro had told him that Mommy and Daddy left, but he never said why, never gave any real reason.

 

When Dave found out about that thing called prayer, he asked that big man called God if Mommy and Daddy would come home someday.

 

(He could've sworn he heard a “no.”)


	52. there had to be an answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby Doom knew that they all had to die. But after they died, who would change him? Who would feed him? There had to be an answer.

Sollux had always known she'd die first. Even were it not for Vriska's machinations, or the end of the universe, Aradia's days were numbered, due to the simple fact that she was a rustblood.

 

He always wondered what he'd do when she was gone, how he'd manage when he got depressed and didn't even want to get out of his recuperacoon.

 

Well.

 

He didn't have to wonder anymore.


	53. what i did for love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the caves behind my house I found a softer world. They understand what I had to do for love. They don't believe in restraining orders.

Sometimes, when she was asleep, Eridan would watch Feferi, just watch her. Not like that mustard-blooded prick who'd stolen her, oh no, he was there for her. He knew what he had to do.

Sollux had to die.

Shame he'd have to get his hands dirty. But that's what you do for love, right?


	54. just go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lost my whole family to the fire. I cried for weeks. Nothing could console me. Until I woke up this morning, and I could fly. Just spread my arms and go.

The fire had utterly decimated the Megido residence, leaving one survivor: eight-year-old Aradia, stuck in the hospital with severe burns and unable to stop crying.

She spent weeks like that. Inconsolable. Unwilling to talk to the doctors and nurses, or even to the man who would be adopting her when she was out of the hospital. For three long weeks, Aradia was nearly silent, save for choked sobs.

And then one day, when Mr. Droog came in to try and talk to his soon-to-be adoptive daughter, he saw her standing on her bed, laughing and smiling like nothing had ever been the matter.

“They told me I could fly,” she told him dreamily. “Just spread my arms and go.”

He would never be sure if it was simple child's play, but it did seem like she was getting better. He wouldn't push the subject.

(And sometimes, when she ran through the park, he wondered if maybe she had been right.)


	55. care to explain that one?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mayor says be calm. Waters rise, and towns flood. That's a part of nature. We understand. We do not understand the giant babies.

“Citizens of Can Town,” WV exclaimed, “we have nothing to fear! The Great Faygo Flood has been stopped. All is well.”

“But Mayor,” Dave asked, waving a can around, “what about the giant babies?”

WV never would understand what Dave was talking about.


	56. but i do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can hear you under the floorboards while they sleep. You think no one hears. You think there will be no one to stop you.

Terezi knew full well what Vriska was up to. Her former best friend, now on the run after killing a mutual friend of theirs and crippling another, had made the mistake of going to her for sanctuary.

 

Of course Vriska lied about what had happened. Said she was just an innocent witness. But Terezi knew.

 

And Vriska would have to face justice.


	57. darling it's better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a whole world down in the ocean, filled with talking shrimp, and boys who call you back, but my breath won't hold long enough.

Rose had always been fascinated by the ocean.

 

Sometimes, she wondered if maybe there was another civilization down there--mermaids or talking shrimp or what have you--where she could find love and happiness, things sorely lacking from her home life. She knew it was ridiculous, a child's fantasy, but it was a thought she had entertained on occasion.

 

She wished she had gills. Maybe she could feel the soft embrace of tentacles and ocean currents someday, when technology advanced to that point where scuba tanks and such were no longer necessary. The day couldn't come soon enough.


	58. one last desperate hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are people who believe a photo captures your soul. For them this is a terrible thing. For me it's one last chance.

Some people, the more superstitious of Eridan's friends, said that a photo could capture a soul. He had, of course, dismissed the idea as rubbish. But when he asked Feferi to pose for him, and she complied, smiling so brightly, he wished it could be true.


	59. she was so fluffy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was so sure my search would end when I found God. But then I couldn't find my car keys, and my cat ran away.

Gamzee thought that maybe, just maybe, the Mirthful Messiahs would be his lifeline. Hell, he believed as much with all his heart, really. He thought his search for meaning was over once he'd joined the cult.

 

That is, until his lusus stopped visiting.

 

Now he wasn't sure about anything.


	60. i thought for sure i'd never have to pay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got a letter from my grandmother, though she's been dead for ten years. She didn't say "I miss you" or "I love you," just "remember when I lent you rent money?" and "I need you to pay me back."

pocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

 

AA: s0llux

TA: thii2 ii2 the wor2t prank anyone ha2 ever had the nerve two pull on me.

TA: 2ure, pretend two be my dead mate2priit, that'2 fuckiing wonderful.

AA: n0 im n0t pretending

AA: it really is me

AA: i can pr0ve it

 

apocalypseArisen [AA] sent “runes.png” to twinArmageddons [TA]

 

TA: ...aa.

TA: ii mii22ed you 2o much, oh my god.

AA: thats n0t imp0rtant right n0w

AA: i need y0u t0 help me decipher these runes

AA: and c0nvert them int0 c0de

TA: ...fuck.


	61. i could never deny her anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He never meant for it to end. He wanted to give her everything. So when she said "higher," he pushed her higher. But she said, "No. Higher."

Kanaya loved Vriska.

 

She loved Vriska in ways she couldn't accurately put into words, in ways that ached when she so much as thought about them.

 

She'd give her the world, if she could. And so when Vriska asked her to make a dress for her, who was she to refuse?

 

“It needs to be shorter.”

 

“Vriska, it's already quite short.”

 

“No. Shorter.”

 

Had she known the purpose of the dress, she might've refused.

 

But then again, how could she? She was too deeply in love.

 

It _hurt_.


End file.
